1 APRIL 1995, Page 55

YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED

Dear Mary.. .

Q. How can one discourage nannies from chatting to one? I share a nanny with two friends and she comes to me for two morn- ings a week. I seem to achieve even less on those two mornings than on the mornings when I am in sole charge because I get drawn into interminable discussions with this nanny about her forthcoming wedding, her other bosses, her neighbours, etc. How can I put a stop to this — without causing offence?

Name and address withheld A. Set up a scenario for the nanny to observe wherein your husband makes a remark to you first once, then twice, then finally shouts it for a third time and adds, 'Have you gone deaf or something?' At that point you can look round bemusedly and say sweetly, 'Oh, sorry, darling,' as you withdraw wax earplugs from your ear. 'Sony,' you can repeat, addressing the room in general, 'I've started putting in these wax earplugs because oddly enough — they're the only things that seem to help my tinnitus.' This will give you carte blanche to affect not to hear any further overtures in the chatting line which your nanny makes in the future.

Q. I have recently spent a great deal of time helping a fellow-parent (not previously a particular friend) at my daughter's school to sort out a family legal crisis abroad, in which I was the general go-between, inter- preter and adviser. The matter took up not only my time but also my telephone, with many outgoing calls overseas. My friend always assured me she would repay the telephone bill, a suggestion which I have hitherto brushed aside, as her monthly income is very small by any standards, and my own many times larger. Yesterday she pressed some notes into my hand, which go a considerable way towards repaying the bill, and I do not know what to do with them. I have urged her over the past weeks to be more assertive and independent and no doubt it is good to 'pay one's way'. How- ever, happy as I am to receive the contribu- tion to our very large bill, it seems wrong, given our relative circumstances, that I should accept her money. Please advise as to whether I should keep the notes, return the offering directly, or find a way of returning the value in kind.

• Name and address withheld A. You must keep the notes. Were you not to do so, you would appear to be underlin- ing the disparity of your financial statuses. What is more, the woman in question would feel an obligation to be grateful to you. No one likes feeling grateful, and it would be particularly humiliating for a fel- low-parent at your daughter's school to have to feel grateful every day she sees you.

Mary Killen