Stuck with it

Jaspistos

In Competition No. 1738 you were in- vited to supply a poem or music-hall song lamenting the state of being stuck with your own tattoo(s).

Like 'that encyclopaedia, Lydia the tat- tooed lady, Lydia the lady from Spain,' celebrated by Groucho, Mrs Gorman has no regrets: as a girl she plucked out her eyebrows, they never grew back properly, and the twin arcs we see today are tattoos. If I had a tattoo, I should like it to be a smiling other face on the back of my bald head, like the old gentleman in E. F. Benson's David Blaize and the Blue Door — 'People in the street will see me looking at them as if I was coming towards them, and all the time I shall be going away.'

The prizewinners, printed below, get £20 each, and the bonus bottle of Aberlour Single Malt whisky goes to David Heaton.

When I takes Rosie down to the pub and turns on all me charm, She ups and starts to threaten me with actual bodily 'arm, Yet all I done is take off me coat and chance me big right arm - But there on view is this tatty tattoo saying I love Mary-Lou.

It takes all week to calm 'er down and set 'er mind at rest, The things a girl suspects you of you'd never ever 'ave guessed, I wants to say I likes 'er but can't get the words off me chest — For there on view is this tatty tattoo saying I love Mary-Lou.

Now we've been married, Rosie and me, a couple of weeks or more When all of a sudden out she sings and falls in a 'eap on the floor, And all because she's never seen the small of me back before - And there on view is this tatty tattoo saying I love Mary-Lou.

I said, 'Why make such a 'ullabaloo of a tatty tattoo or two?

I would never,' I said, 'make a 'ullabaloo of a tatty tattoo on you.' (David Heaton) Four of us, new friends since we joined the Navy, Last day in Pompey went out on the town, Urging each other on to find the gravy, Helping each other up when we fell down, And ended up in the hands of a great artist Being tattooed with daggers, hearts and flowers. I chose a snake-and-tree (left arm) and - smartest - A mobile nude (right arm) but it took hours.

After my Service, jobs were hard to come by. I skived a bit, then settled on the Church. I've bleached my arms like mad but no! that dumb dye Goes deep. Thank God the Bishop doesn't search.

Eve and the Serpent writhing and unsightly!

I can't afford the price of a purged skin.

Under my cassock hotly, blackly, tightly, I hide the symbol of original sin.

(Jermyn Thynne) When I was one-and twenty I heard a wise man say, 'Tattoos endure forever, Love only lasts a day; The heart upon your forearm Is there for all to see.' But I was one-and-twenty, And I loved Lady T.

My passion was misguided, I worshipped her in vain; My faith in her has faded, But not, alas, the stain.

She promised me a future With well-paid work to do, And I am one of millions Still waiting in the queue.

(Roger Woddis) He worked upon the pier a hundred yards or so from shore, In between the candy-floss and 'What the Butler Saw'. When first I went to see him I was young and rather green, But now I am the bluest girl the butler's ever seen.

The insertion of his needle left me feeling rather sore; It hurt me but I liked it, and I soon went back for more.

Now I'm paid to stroll along the pier exhibiting his art, From the heart upon my knee-cap to the knee-cap on my heart.

There are fins upon my soles, there are dates upon my palms, I've got Spurs upon my heels, and Arsenal on my arms.

I never liked the daffodil upon my derriere, But though he has deflowered me, the daffodil's still there! (Julia Donaldson)

No. 1741: Rum place

Like Gulliver, you are magically trans- ported to a strange island with strange inhabitants and strange customs. Please describe part of your visit. Maximum 150 words. Entries to 'Competition No. 1741' by 14 August.