High life

Well deserved

Taki

Now that 1982 is safely behind us it is time for 'High life's' jet-set awards of the year. Unfortunately, the crisis in ship-

ping has put me in the same income bracket as Jeffrey Bernard, therefore I shall not be handing out cash prizes as in the past. I have, nevertheless, gone to extraordinary lengths to secure the permission of the peo- ple in whose names the prizes are awarded. And I am sending out small silver cups to all the winners, except for one special one.

The Hasso von Manteuffel Gold Ribbon Award for Bravery goes to Margaret That- cher. Her audacity in facing down the threat from the Argentinian hordes that were about to overrun England more than deserves the gold. But the real reason I give it to her is that she managed to get all those Wets sputtering with rage at the fact that even a nation of helpless and lazy shopkeepers wants its leaders to show some guts in adversity. Yes, all you Wet ones out of office, the time for drinking port and placating Africans is past. From now on it's frontal assault time, a la von Manteuffel against the French in the spring of 1940.

The Donkey Derby Award goes without question to Robert Sangster and Jerry Hall.

This is the fourth Derby won by Mr Sangster this year, and as deserved as the other three.

The Professor Hambledon Prize, need- less to say, is awarded to Charles Benson for introducing the Derby-winning couple.

The Ernest Simpson-Karenin Award naturally goes to Mick Jagger.

The Princess Michael of Kent Trophy for the Most Accomplished Social Climber was an easy one. It goes to Michael Fagan, the man who literally scratched his way to the top of Buckingham Palace and got to sit next to the Queen.

And, speaking of the royal couple, Prince Charles and the Princess of Wales win the Peter and Roxanne Pulitzer Prize for their domestic bliss. I know, almost straight from the horse's mouth, that the champion 0-level-getter of all time is giving Action Man and the rest of his family a very hard time. My royal connection in fact quotes Princess Margaret as saying that the heiress to the throne 'is as tough as a boot'. My, my, how people change. And it's all Charles's fault. He should have married Sabrina Guinness.

The Stephen Ward Award goes to a man who might not be too familiar with loyal Spectator readers but, unfortunately, is all too familiar with America's first family. Or was, rather.

Alfred Bloomingdale wins the Old Osteo- path's Prize because he had Vicky Morgan whip him regularly for the heartless way he treated his wife Betsy, Nancy's friend.

The Christopher Soames Award goes to Elizabeth Taylor, who is, as you are reading this, shuttling between Jerusalem and Beirut. Never have two people needed a lift more, Soames's jowls and Elizabeth Taylor's you know what.

The April Ashley Prize for Sex Change to Martina Navratilova, who, as you read this, is in Norway becoming a woman.

The Career Change of the Year goes without doubt to John De Lorean. You might not agree, but his stunt was nothing to sneeze at.

The David Begelman Merit Badge is awarded to the nouveau Duke of West- minster, for squeezing us for rents until we yelp for help. But not to worry, I have received more than 125,000 letters from people eager to catch the rascal and string him up, tar and feather him. I have been trying to answer them with the suggestion that before we do that, we should hang him upside down and shake him. We might get some of our Money back that way.

The Las Malvinas Prize to Koo Stark for consoling Prince Andrew. And, speaking of him, the Bullshit Prize of the Year to the papers that made him out a hero. Too many brave men flew and fought dangerous mis- sions to have this kind of trivia written about seriously.

The Barbara Cartland Award for Illi- terate Reporting goes to our only double winner this year, and it could be no one else but Charles Benson. His dispatch from Los Angeles was impossible to understand. Even the man who dictated it, Robert Sangster, could not comprehend it.

The Harold Nicolson, Vita Sackville- West, Violent Portrait of a Marriage Honour to Martin Summers, Lola Winters, and Zorro.

Finally, the Honest Abe Lincoln Award for Truthfulness to the Soviet government who issued a statement denying involve- ment in the plot to kill the Pope.

The Good Taste Prize I get to keep yet again.