No. 1247: The winners

Jaspistos reports: Competitors were invited to produce a piece of prose of 50 words, the first word a monosyllable, the second a disyllable, the third a trisyllable and so on, as represented by the pattern 1,2,3,4,5 repeated ten times.

Fine exam performance, notwithstanding misunderstandings by seven candidates. Remarkable ingenuity! The prizes — awful- ly problematic allocation-wise — are being finally distributed dispassionately, each winner `sixer-blessed. Felicitous 1983! Phew, I can't keep it up half as well as you did. So honourable mentions to P. K. Brown, Richard Hayes, N. J. Warburton and Daphne Greene, the bottle of Pedro Domecq's Carlos III Selected Brandy to Stanley Shaw, and the Chateau de Barbe Villeneuve 1971 (thanks to Andrew Bruce) to Nicholas Hodgson.

The lovely, Hellenic Arianna Stassinopoulos has vanished, seemingly. Unstuffily intellectual, a witty debater, wonderfully televisual, she punc- tured feminism's pretentiousness unmercifully. Now, whither departed? Apparently, America- wards — stung, because philistine televiewers anathematised her chat-show performance ridiculing, unchivalrously, her very utterance, allegedly articulated so thickly nobody com- prehended. Stassinopoulos fans, arise, deman- ding Arianna's repatriation!

(Stanley Shaw) He appeared trustworthy, absolutely unimpeachable, but Yuri Andropov regularly communicated with British spy-masters. Operatives conscientiously fed Russia classified information; unfortunately for Moscow, An- dropov dutifully misinterpreted it. Meanwhile, seemingly innocuous documentation, of vital na- tional security, continually reached Britain. Soviet intelligence predomination looks greatly diminished. Europeans indubitably owe Russia's supremo unqualified congratulations.

(Nicholas Hodgson) To exist, suffering outrageousness uncomplain- ingly, or truncate existence courageously? Quintessentially, that's Hamlet's dilemma. Ef- fectively encapsulating such complex, profound- ly introspective philosophising needs

Shakespeare's limitless inventiveness. Undeniably, the so-called `Ur-Hamlet' — un- traceable, irretrievable — was Hamlet's primitive progenitor. Perspicaciously, Will added

Guildenstern (Rosencrantz's doppelganger-like mate), madness, concealment, soliloquy, pro- crastination .. His Denmark's Kafkaesque, dis- quieting, contemporary.

(Peter Norman) If drinking produces diminishing co-ordination, try doing physical exercises; unconventional ones — deck-chair erection underwater — invariably help. Trapping protruding appendages occa- sionally hurts, although nobody, fortunately, deliberately courts trouble. Misfortunes, usually unpredictable, can arise, involving fastidious disentanglement. One victim, foolishly disregar- ding prognostications from Brighton's principal fortune-teller, inexplicably lost something con- sidered absolutely irreplaceable.

(D. B. Wood) Could any generous competition co-enthusiast please suggest several appropriate polysyllabic words? (English, hopefully; preferably pen- tasyllabic, the hardest.) Overtaxed, singlehanded vocabularies — mine, alas, anyway — auto- destruct. Imagination thrives upon assistance. Accordingly, sado-masochists, let's unite! Other- wise, prosecution's justifiable for mental cruelty altogether unprecedented. What's proper punishment, long-awaited, premeditated, for Mr Jaspistos? Solitary incarceration!

(Carole Angier)

The weekly Spectator, informative, imaginative and witty, seduces competitive individuals like myself, proffering tantalising intellectual clues, questions embracing historical, geographical and even fictitious nomenclature. Unfortunately, this baffling, • erudite, inquisition inevitably sends would-be successful treasure-hunters in- vestigating. They pester unwary acquaintances, antagonising friends, boring relatives, irritating fellow-travellers and making domestic tranquilli- ty unattainable.

(0. Smith) The cellist Prunella Pasolini reinterpreted Bach's prelude glissando. Contrapuntal ornamentation moved into gracious allegretto revitalisation of Johann's well-tempered cantabile chromaticism.

Such daring rhythmical legerdemain! Musicologists have seldom entirely comprehend- ed arpeggiando con brio rendering double- stopping elucidation so richly passionate. Pasolini's interpretation of baroque dynamics electrified Weston-super-Mare.

(Peggy Sandars)

Last Sunday afternoon carpet-cleaning represen- tative came knocking, disturbing post-prandial preoccupation with current Spectator competi- tion. Unfortunately, spouse offered silver- tongued demonstrator opportunity to unpack equipment. Cacophony understandably caused instant marital aggravation. Single-mindedly downed pencil, threatening operator matter-of- factly with grievous injury. Contemplated defenestration. Wife rather pointedly interrupted (uncompromising bitch!). Result? Impending discontinued conjugality.

(Roy Davenport) • 'No,' ended Jennifer, emphatically articulating that single syllable. 'Psychopathic pyromaniacs and other pathetic antisocial property-wreckers need houses, whatever retrogressive ignoramuses say. "Experts" continue disagreeing, criminologists keep spouting pretentious gob- bledygook interminably, but people possessing fundamental what-do-you-call-it? — nous never abandon all-forgiving Christianity ... Hey, darling sleepy-head, counter-attack!' Theodosia was snoring. Thereupon embarrass- ment predominated.

(Margaret Mary)