COMPETITION
Very different story
Jaspistos
IN COMPETITION NO. 2142 you were invited to take a headline from a recent newspaper and supply your own very dif- ferent news item to fit it.
I used to set this comp on a regular basis for the Independent, and it never failed to amuse, if not readers, at least me. J.S. Corder's headline, 'Number of Scottish MPs Must be Cut', was surgically exploited to the full, and Noel Petty (who inadver- tently overran the word-limit of 120) made good play with 'Ministers May Get Lessons in How to Use a PC'. John Causer remem- bers the Blackheath Guide, when a local dell was being 'improved', announcing, `Dowager's Bottom Gets Face-Lift'.
The prizewinners, printed below, have £25 each, and the bottle of the Macallan Single Malt Highland Scotch whisky goes to Jonathan Sleigh for his jester's jump into the future.
ADAMS ASSUMES COMMAND AS ENGLAND LABOUR
Mayor Blair today confirmed that the election of Gerry Adams as life-Taoiseach of the Irish Republican Commonwealth would not affect Englandshire's status within it, nor opportunities for English workers on the Irish mainland. The expansion of the McAliskey International Airport will provide thousands of new jobs of a kind highly suitable for new-style Oxbridge grad- uates,' said Mayor Blair.
Mr Adams later commented that he would par- ticularly welcome the employment of former members of the decommissioned British army on the major programme of commemorative monu- ments to IRA heroes. He added that, though major distortions in Anglo-Irish relations had now been corrected, further English comment on the Provisional IRA's nuclear weapons programme would not assist future economic relations.
(Jonathan Sleigh) JAPAN BREAKS CYCLE Veteran traveller Dervla Murphy faced fresh dis- aster today in her bid to pedal through every country on the planet during her round-the-world tour. Tokyo jobsworths impounded her bike, because she failed to declare it at customs. And they smashed it, lock, stock and smoking pump.
'I admit that I raised a few hackles by riding through the airport lounge,' she told reporters, 'especially because I'd tied firecrackers to the sad- dlebags.' The Nippon nit-pickers seized her travel- ling companion and dismantled it without consult- ing anyone. Now Deryla is rebuilding her pride and joy from the spokes and chain she salvaged. 'Luckily,' laughed plucky Deryla, 'I still have the yen for adventure.' (Bill Greenwell) CONSOLIDATION AS BULLS STAND BY For the second night Pamplona has witnessed the most remarkable scenes. Instead of rampaging through the streets as expected, the bulls have apparently decided to consolidate, and stubbornly refuse to be provoked. They watch with apparent contempt the efforts of those sent to taunt them. Even seasoned bullfighters have been unable to stir the animals into aggressive action, Some onlookers swear they have heard noises, not unlike laughter, coming from the massed ranks of bulls as youths dance pointlessly in front of them or squabble among themselves in frustration. Taurine patience seems to be defeating human exuberance and bravado — for the time being, at any rate. (Frank McDonald) ROYAL LONDON: NEW JOB FEARS `What about the ravens?' asks Chief Warder Joe Mickelby. 'What's some pimply youth in a traffic warden's uniform going to know about raven management?' Joe and his colleagues are stunned by the revelation that guarding the Tower of London, and other royal landmarks, may soon be undertaken by private security firms. 'Nothing's sacred any more,' said Yeoman Warder Arthur Haines at the Bloody Tower. 'Believe me, heads will roll.' They're changing guard at Buckingham Palace, too, where Securicor are favourites to take the contract: 'Our style's more low-key,' said a company spokesman, 'but we'll always have a van in the area.' The Irish Guards were unavail- able for comment. (Nick Syrett) TV CRICKET GOES POP BBC switchboards were jammed last night follow- ing the death of 'Jimmy', a pet cricket who had become a regular feature on the flagship chil- dren's programme Blue Peter. Many children were said to be traumatised after seeing the much-loved insect explode during a chocolate mousse demon- stration. Presenter Katy Hill explained, 'Somehow Jimmy got inside the microwave when we were melting the chocolate, and nobody noticed until it was too late. Jimmy was a real character and we'll all miss him. But I don't think he suffered any pain.' Greg Dyke, the new director general and creator of the equally popular 'Roland Rat', was not available for comment.
(Jill Green) MOBILE WINDFALL CASH WILL PAY DOWN DEBT Featherbedding has a new meaning for cash- strapped Honiton poultry farmer, Arthur Luck. And all due to a jangling gewgaw and a pear tree.
To amuse three-year-old daughter Amy, Arthur, 39, tied a large tubular-bell mobile to a branch of the tree. A sudden gust brought the contraption clanking down on to Arthur's head, knocking him senseless. Wife Betty, 34, advised suing the supplier for selling dangerous mer- chandise. 'Nowhere on the box did it say "Not for Outdoor Use",' Betty explained.
The Lucks were in luck: the company settled out of court for £5,000 plus costs, enabling Arthur to repay his loan from the European Plumage Federation. 'Now that's what I call settling down,'
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