Low life
Questionable
Jeffrey Bernard
Two weeks ago The Times carried another of those silly, melodramatic features on the subject of alcoholism. It was written by Ms Caroline Moorehead and was headed by the usual old questions which, if you could answer yes to any of them, showed that there was 'serious cause for alarm'. Well, the more I looked at these questions the less alarmed I felt. In fact I've now come to the conclusion that I dont drink enough. Just look at this nonsense. Q, Do you find that you drink embarrass- ingly quickly and have finished your drink long before those around you?
J.B. The speed at which I drink embar- rasses others. That's to say I am frequentlY outfumbled. Peter Owen, for example, last bought a round in 1971. Such men need to be reminded that one swallow does not make a summer. Q. Do you have time off from work because of drinking; or has your work per- formance suffered because of alcohol? J.B. The situation is very much the reverse. Work frequently interferes with my drink- ing. Last week I spent an hour drinking Perrier before going to see a publisher, while all around me were falling down. And another thing. Drinking is my work. I was once paid £500 for an article on that very subject.
Q. Do your family and friends express con- cern over the amount you drink? J.B. Well, as my big brother says, 'Concern 18 a very elastic word.' I think they express a mild surprise at where on earth the money Comes from and they simply look into their glasses a little harder. My friend, the philanthropist and thespian Tom Baker, is concerned that I don't drink enough. He says that if I could get a bit more vodka in I might spew up a novel. Q. Have there been family quarrels because of Your drinking? Are you becoming dif- ficult, irritable and testy after drinking? J.B. I believe there was a tremendous row in 1934 as to whether I should be fed Nestles or Cow and Gate milk. Am I becoming difficult, testy and irritable? You must be joking. I'm impossible. After clos- ing time last Tuesday I hit a Greek greengrocer in Goodge Street who asked me not to feel his cucumbers. I also have three ex-wives who can testify to my testiness. Especially before drinking. Q. Do you find that your memory is getting worse? Have you ever had loss of memory after a heavy drinking session? J•B• Quite honestly I can't remember ever having had a heavy drinking session. Can You repeat the question please? Q. Do you order yourself a double when the rest of the party are drinking singles, or do You order yourself a quick extra drink while Collecting an order from the bar? J.B. None of my 'party' drinks singles. They do have some style, you know. As to ordering a quick drink I can tell you that there is no such thing in either the French Pub or the Coach and Horses. Both the bar- man in the French and Michael in the coach take more time to serve a drink than it took the Royal Navy to get to the Falkland Islands.
Q. Do you have an uneasy feeling that you are drinking too much; that you no longer have control over your drinking; that you can no longer take it or leave it? J-13. No, but I do have an uneasy feeling that I won't be able to take it for much longer. I live in dread of hepatitis and the obligatory six months abstention that follows it. Q. Has your sexual drive and ability suf- fered because of your drinking? J.B. Mind your own fucking business. Ac- tually, I find alcohol to be an aphrodisiac. ,t8Pecially, for the duration of a hangover. unfortunately, since I discovered Smimoff and this is an unsolicited testimonial — I no longer 6 get hangovers. ?• Do you . . . .?• _
I'm sorry, I can't answer any more Questions. It's nearly opening time.
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