COMPETITION

Phoney

Jaspistos

In Competition No. 1444 you were in- vited to write a poem addressed to or about a telephone directory.

`Marvellous characters, but poor plot' is an old lit. crit. summing-up of the book in question, and most of the lyrical juice you managed to wring from the dry pages came from the tantalising people. 'Just reeling off their names is ever so comfy', as Auden said about lakes. Charles Lyall sang of Jiggins and Jestico, Husselbee and Heke, and Amanda Clare of Mutimers, Nollam- bys, Darkins, Futters, Remblances, Armbrusters and Steggles. Alcuin Davies provided some 'Lines written in despair on looking into the Hong Kong directory', from which I learn that 'Few Chinese persons bear the surname Yee'. D. E. Poole described the excitement of receiv- mg new volumes:

The gentle fingering, the final thrills Of opening and baring to the soul Those luscious lists of Hathaways and Hills, The hidden Cuss or lurking Cattermole. . .

I once knew a girl called Pearl Jewel Precious Coke, but this is no time for reminiscence. Berni Wellgell, Basil Ransome-Davies and Noel Petty (whose Yellow Pages featured a splendid body of men, 'The Flying School of Sundriesmen') all get special mentions. The winners printed below are awarded £8 each, and the bonus prize of, The Penguin Dictionary of Modern Humorous Quotations goes to Martin Fagg for his charming piece in the manner of Don Marquis.

Welcome home boss I hope you had a great vacation while you were away that crazy dame mehitabel bet me a thousand bucks I couldnt type out the manhattan telephone directory before you got back well now I have done it and go to collect the broad has blown c est la vie but oh boss am I bushed anyway sorry about the 32 reams of paper and the 58 ribbons and if by next time you go away boss you could have a word processor installed it would be a gesture much appreciated by yours archy (Martin Fagg) As my eyes at random wander through the book, I can but ponder why so many Browns and Greens came to live in Milton Keynes; the city's used a lot of paint, but colourful is what it ain't.

Ah! On page three-thirty-three Snell I.C. I see — that's me! Is being there upon the list Cartesian proof that I exist? Nice to see one's name in print, if that is not too broad a hint.

The final entry's 'Zzitz, Z,eke It stirs an echo in my head.

Remember it? `By hook or crook, I'll be the last name in your book.' (I. C. Snell) No earthling house is without a copy.

Clearly they find inspiration in its runes, For whenever they have anointed a thumb And flicked impatiently through its flimsy pages They clap an apparatus to one ear And pray aloud to their invisible god.

A yellow, illuminated volume Is reserved for when household disasters strike: It summons angels wearing overalls.

Some earthlings, militant atheists, Declare themselves in public places By wrenching the holy text in two With their bare hands. For this sacrilege They receive inexplicable applause.

(Peter Norman) Equality between the covers! Saints and sinners, wives and lovers, In-laws, outlaws, meek and bold, Young and handsome, grey and old, Artists, bankers, clowns and bores, Alcoholics, dons and whores, Doctors, conmen, friends and foes, Clergymen and gigolos, All laid out in even text, No one grander than the next: From the page you cannot tell Who's fit for heaven, who's for hell.

Phone books make us all the same, Anonymous despite our name, Predicting future churchyard stones, Where names are all a body owns.

(V. Ernest Cox) 0 wonderful directory of British Telecom, To you I offer this grateful peom.

For without you to help us keep in touch We would not talk to our friends so much. Business and shopping could take us ages If we could not consult your Yellow Pages, And many lives have been saved without delay By emergency services whose numbers you display.

Moreover, I can confidently say That if he were still alive today You would receive thanks from Alexander Graham Bell For supporting his great invention so well.

(Keith Norman) O lithe newcomer! Gentle flop Of book upon the steps!

(At first I feared an autumn crop Of central heating reps.) What rural bliss your cover shows: The Cam, so blue and clean, A fenland wreathed in mists and snows, A pure, idyllic scene.

I'll place you on the table, try To add a bit of tone - A rather heavy joke, since I Do not possess a 'phone. (Jean Hayes)

From AARON to ZYTOLSKI

March the serried ranks of print, Symbolically specific, But of substance — not a hint,

Not the slightest indication That DIGGLESWICK and BALL

(Carpenters and Plumbers) Can carp or plumb at all.

And what of all the JONESES And the myriad of SMITHS,

Are they flesh and blood personae Or alphabetic myths?

Step forth grey-visaged cyphers, Quit your named and numbered cage, Flaunt the banner of your being In the world beyond the page!

(Philip A. Nicholson)