A lot of you weaklings out there are probably very upset
at how fast the dollar and the pound are falling, and about how every time you turn on the television all they talk about is the economy and how it is getting worse, and how everyone is now saying not only are we in recession but it’s going to get w-o-r-s-e. Well, instead of getting depressed, I have decided to take full advantage of the recession and make this holiday season the happiest one I have ever had. How? Below are some of the things that I have been doing to make the coming days joyful ones.
Because of the recession we no longer have to buy gifts for people we hate. It is now chic to join the Pass Along Club without any guilt. All those gifts that people give you that you open up and pretend to like, you no longer have to keep. With the simple miracle of re-ironed tissue paper any gift can look fresh. Just make sure to open all your gifts carefully so that when you rewrap them the corners and the sticky tape will fall back in the same place. The recipients will never ever know these horrors were opened and rejected. One word of caution with rewrapping — be careful to check all items of clothing carefully as things can be monogrammed in unusual places. You don’t want to say to someone, ‘I saw this robe and thought immediately of you’ and they get home and find the initials JRR discreetly embroidered on the sleeve. Also check all rewrapped gifts for notes. A lot of annoying friends can put a warm loving note addressed to you deep inside a box, so make sure you turn every package over and shake. Ditto if you are planning to pass along a book, make sure there is no inscription in it, such as ‘To Joan with love from your Hot Daddy’ or some such endearment. This can be easily rectified by neatly slicing the dedication page out with a very thin razor — and don’t worry, no one (or at least none of my friends) will ever realise this has been done, as very few of them actually open gift books and try to read them.
Another delight that the recession has brought to me is that I no longer have to give any bonuses to people in my employ or business. What a wondrous Christmas moment it is to be able to look your staff straight in the eye as you are leaving for some ball totally coiffed and bejewelled and say, ‘None of you really have ever deserved a bonus and this year there will be none. 2008 has been a little tight for me. See — this is last year’s sable.’ Another great money-saving device that the recession has dumped into our laps is that one does not have to send any thankyou notes! Two months ago, when my first holiday gift arrived (a George Foreman grill that I of course rewrapped and passed on to Gordon Ramsay), I decided that I would illi_pec_02.0.07 5/29/07 12 no longer send out thank-you notes for two reasons. With the recession I can’t afford the luxury of fancy stationery and stamps, and as I am a very green person, every time I weaken and start to write a thank-you note I then think ‘NO’. I will not be part of killing a tree for etiquette. Not to mention that the stamp is also paper, and think of the gasoline used by the mail trucks to deliver our little epistles! I mean, is it worth it to write a proper thank-you note when you realise these simple unnoticed daily acts are killing our planet? Smythson should be shut down.
Another way that the recession this year is making my life better is that I have decided to take a very fancy winter vacation with my daughter and grandson. By staying in the best of hotels we will be able to store up some good memories for the rough days that may be coming ahead. My daughter and grandson have chosen Mexico. I hate Mexico. I hate the culture. I hate the colours. I think the big hats that the men wear are stupid. I 4 PM don’t like any shoes that show your toes. But my daughter and grandson want to go there, and as my daughter has the right to pull the plug when the time comes, I don’t want her saying to herself: ‘That old bitch wouldn’t take me to Mexico! So let her go.’ Lives hang on threads like this. It could be as simple as my daughter going to visit me one day in the Intensive Care Unit and suddenly seeing someone eating a taco — and it would bring back all the bad memories right then and there. I have to be very, very careful.
Last of all, I think the best thing about the recession is I will no longer be throwing away my Christmas tree this year. I will break it up and use it long into the spring for kindling and fibre for clothing. Every year in New York people trying to avoid dragging their tree down flights of stairs choose instead — if no one is looking — to throw them out of their windows. And every year there are several tree deaths. Usually it is the homeless. And so this year I feel very, very good, as these poor people will no longer be put into harm’s way by falling yuletide branches. And as I walk among them on my way to my limo, I say to them and to you, ‘Count your blessings, my darlings, count your blessings. It’s almost Christmas and even though you can’t afford to buy a calendar any more, just look up at the sky. You see how dark and threatening it is? That’s how we know it’s December and Christmas is coming! And that’s what this season is all about, isn’t it? Happy Leon, everybody.’ *
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