Westminster Corridors
It had been my intention, at the request of many readers, to examine the implications for the Whigs of the defection to their ranks of Mr Christopher Mayhew from Woolwich. As 1 prepared to address myself to this thorny problem, my quill poised, so to speak, above paper, there were two or three irregular bounces upon the door and a breathless Captain Freepen burst in.
Freepen had come upon the trot from a meeting at the Club of something known as the Lobby Journalists where these fearless scribes 'had, in secret session, been discussing the summons they had received from their Lordships to give evidence before a Select Committee of the Upper Club on Members' interests. Why these scribblers, who know nothing of the interests of Members and are of no interest themselves, should be called upon to enlighten their Lordships, is not immediately clear. Needless to say, they were disproportionately clattered by the invitation and spent some hours resolving how best to fulfil their obligations as practitioners of a Free Press.
That arch-Republican from the Thunderer suggested that the noble Gentlemen had no right to summon the tribunes of the Press to their committees, and he proposed that their Lordships be told (in four-letter expletives) to look elsewhere for their informants. He was rebuffed by the Chairman of the Lobby who is a firm believer in the class structure and hopes one day to be ennobled himself.
It then began to dawn upon the assembled scribes that the whole exercise was one in self-aggrandisement for the said Chairman, who loved giving evidence and indeed had once done so with disastrous results before London Quarter Sessions. It was therefore determined that the invitation should be refused, but politely.
Inevitably, dissenting voices were heard. Two Puritans said that they wanted to see vice rooted out; Lobby Journalists should not have interests in the City; all should now be revealed. These two scribes therefore asked leave to set up a special Ku Klux Watch Committee which could act as Guardian of Truth.
Old rivalries and ugly enmities then burst forth, and the Chairman tried, without success, to restore order. Someone reminded him that a certain Ruffian Minister had once described him as the most pompous and unpleasant journalist he had ever met. At this, the worthy Chairman burst into floods of uncontrollable tears.
As no one was at all sympathetic, he threatened to resign. This motion was immediately seconded and carried, in the Chairman's own words "nem con." With anarchy rearing its ugly head. it was only the timely arrival of Mr Short. the Deputy Prime Minister, for his weekly briefing of the Lobby that saved the situation. • Mr Short told the Lobby Men that rumours that he had given Mr Mayhew £250 to leave the Ruffian Party were completely without foundation. It was, in fact, Mr Mayhew who had given him a Woolwich silver coffee pot ,and a Directorship of the Ferry and Reclamation Consortium.
This was corroborated by the Patronage SeCretary, who just happened to be present as well. "Look my darlings," said Mr Mellish in that
lovable East End v of his, "Chris Mayhew is not one of us." "Oh," said an inquisitive journalist, "are you saying that he is one of them?" Mr Mellish blushed, and Mr "SS"Haines, the Prime Minister's Press Secretary, declared Olt Mr Wilson was the kindest and most generous man he had ever met.
Which brings me back to the question of the new fifteenth Whig MP. Maybe Mr Mayhew is not one of them either, but having been a Navy Minister he should be able to explain to Mr Thorpe how-best to coalesce with that Tory sailor, Mr Heath, after the next Election.
*Torn Puzzle
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