YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary.. .
Q. How should you deal sensibly with increasingly recognised early morning jog- gers and walkers, both male and female? Is ;Good morning' too formal? And 'Morn- Mg!' could sound in Hokkien like a rude invitation. In Kingslalce's Eothen the two Englishmen on their camels passed without a word or a nod in the great Arabian desert. So how, without any introduction, to deal with the different social customs of Japanese, Indians and Chinese, Russians or Ukrainians, variegated Europeans and Africans and Americans without causing offence? What is acceptable? 'Hi!' (Japanese upward tone) or 'Hi!' throwing the vowel downward as the Celts and Ameri- cans do? Maybe an incomplete clearing of the throat will do? But not every day. In this very classless moment, where is the border- line between polite recognition and the post- modern accusation of sexual harassment?
S.H., Balmoral Park, Singapore
A. Thank you for submitting this query, which also has relevance for those who meet others when out climbing on moun- tain paths. Clearly it is incumbent upon one not only to smile but also to give some
audible sign of pleasure at encountering others amid such beautiful surroundings. You could solve the problem by uttering clearly a sequence of phonemes which bear no relation to any known linguistic system. You could cry out, for example, something like `Baluma ber galop!' with great enthusi- asm. The people you have come across will assume that you are speaking some language they do not understand, and this will have the secondary advantage of precluding their trying to disturb your progress with conversation.
Q. I hesitate to trouble you with an Indian problem. I have recently opened up an office in Bombay for my London-based
bank. I have designed and decorated an office which, to quote Cole Porter, 'simply reeks of class'. However, with the onslaught of the monsoon, my wonderful peon (office boy to you) has acquired a doormat with 'Come In' written large upon it. Had it said 'Sod Off I could have lived with it. My vice-chairman (who also reeks of class) appears in two weeks. Help!
D.L., Malabar Hill, Bombay
A. There should be no cause to worry. The provision of such a doormat, when juxta- posed with the decor you describe, will be seen by your clients as an example of self- conscious and deliberate irony. It is precise- ly the eyesore you need to set off the rest of your flawless taste and can only serve as a boosting agent to instil further confidence in your bank. If, however, you yourself are lacking in sufficient self-confidence, then you must remove the mat and replace it with a superior designer mat. 'Oh dear,' you can lament to your peon, 'I see the design- ers have gone and had a frightfully expen- sive mat made up especially. What a pity. I did think your one was fun. Still, we'd bet- ter not offend them.'
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