YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary.. .
Q. I hope you will give priority to my prob- lem which requires an urgent answer for it to be of any use at all. Three days ago, while my wife was away, I took someone else out for dinner and a bit of harmless flirtation, or so I had intended. In the restaurant, however, the young lady in question gave unmistakable signals that she wanted the flirtation to lead to something far from harmless. Two bottles of wine and two glasses of champagne later we stag- gered back to her flat and I naturally did What was expected of me. The minx co- operated for just long enough to leave the dark blue imprint of a so-called love bite on my arm, before rebuffing me and chucking me out into the night. Now I am left with the incontrovertible evidence of my disloy- alty to my wife, who returns imminently. What can I do? (It was the drink which made me do it.) P. W, London W14 A• I am in two minds about whether to pass 1311 the solution to you but I think that on the whole it is better if couples do not get divorced, and so I will do so. Keep your clothing firmly in place for the first day of your wife's return. Wear pyjamas when you get into bed with her that night. During a cuddling process steer your wife's head towards the bruise and hold it there. Mean- while sink your teeth quite viciously into her arm (as though trying out some new form of loveplay that you have seen on tele- vision during her absence). Using light pressure on her head to ensure it remains in situ, you will find that she will impulsively respond by biting you back. Release her head when you feel she has made sufficient impact, and then cry wimpily,`You shouldn't have bitten me back, you know how easily I bruise!' After a couple of days you should have nothing to be afraid of, should your wife happen upon your unclothed arm. Q. 1 work on a glossy magazine. Recently, a number of staff members were flown out to the Azores and encouraged to bring along friends to try out a certain new hotel. We were congratulating ourselves on having got the biggest freebie ever known in the magazine world. To my horror, I found that when we got there our hosts were deter- mined to extract their pound of flesh. They made us photograph a line-up of deeply unattractive and unfashionable people out- side the hotel and insisted that on our return we should publish this open and humiliatingly unstylish advertisement for them. What can we do?
Name and address withheld
A. Just go ahead with the photograph. Pub- lish it in your April issue, then leak a story to the Evening Standard Londoner's Diary that this is your contribution to the tradi- tional journalistic April Fool tease which is usually published around this time of year. In this way you may publish and not be damned.
Mary Killen
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