COMPETITION

Qwertyuiop.

Jaspistos

IN COMPETITION NO. 2136 you were asked to write 52 words of plausible prose in which the first letter of each word follows the pattern of the typewriter keyboard, from left to right (ex can stand for x).

The first row of the keyboard produced some splendidly arresting starts CQuery: will Elizabeth reply to your urgent invitation or prevaricate?' (Mary Holtby), 'Quite why everyone rejects the yellow umbrella is obscure. People. . . ' (Josephine Boyle), 'Quickly, we each realised the youth under- stood intimate, odd picnics. . . ' (John Phillips), 'Quadrophonics Weekly exclusively reveals that Yoko, uninvited, intruded on Paul. . . ' (Martin Woodhead). But like the Grand National, the second lap took its toll. The old firm this week pays out (£15 each) for the first nine places, and the bot- tle of the Macallan Single Malt Highland Scotch whisky goes to John Causer for an especially ingenious and amusing entry. My apologies to Alanna Blake whose winning entry for Competition No. 2134 was print- ed anonymously by mistake

Quintuplets were earlier results than Yale University intended of 'Pornography against (John Causer)

'Queen Wallis,' Edward remarked. 'That's your., ultimate identity, obviously.' Perhaps a sustained desire for greater happiness — joyful kingsill? — love's zenith — exacerbated characteristic vaingloriousness. But nemesis moved quicklh with Edward required to yield unmatched influ- ence over people, and stand down. For George' his junior kinsman, life's zest expired, cony. dence vanquished by nervous mannerisms.

(Michael Lee)

Sex'. Definite family growth has jolted knowl- edgable local zoologists: X-certificate videos brought no more quiet winter evenings rather, they yielded unintended issue. Oxford pursued a subtler design for gelding highly juiced kids: lovely Zuleika's X-chromosome (vide Beerbohm) never misses. `Quick! Water!' Ethel repeated tearfully. 'Your uncle is obviously poisoned."Aw, shucks! Don't fuss, girl; he's just...' Keith laughed... `zonked; excess claret, vicar's bane. Nothing more. Questioners won't even refer to yesterday's upset. I often prepare appropriate sermons:

Dear friends, God has joyfully kindled ... liber- ating zeal ... extolling Christian virtues. Be not misbelievers!" ' (0. Smith) `QUEEN WATCHES EDINBURGH REGAIN TEENAGE YEARS!' Under incredible operational processes, amazing scientists discover fresh genes harbour- ing juvenescence. Knowledge leaps, zonking existing concepts, vindicating Britain's newest medics. Quite whether Elizabeth relishes this youthful upsurge is obviously problematic. Although sceptics dispute fiercely, geriatric hips, joints, knees, limbs zippily extol civilisation's venture beyond natural mortality.

(Godfrey Bullard) Quite without exception Reds, Tories, yuppy upstarts, ignore our Premier and so Dobson finally goes home jilted, Ken Livingstone's zesty exuberance collecting votes. Blairites, now, must question why electors rejected Tony's yes-man unequivocally. Innumerable opinion polls accu- rately signalled Dobson's failure. God has judged. Ken, left-wing zeal exacting complete victory, becomes new mayor.

(Andrew Brison) Quartermaine was easily recognisable. Terribly yellow, unwashed! In office parties, always so dashed fawning — grovelling handshakes, jolly kowtowing. Little zombie exuded comprehen- sively vile breath.

Nobody missed 'Queasy'. Well (everyone ration- alised), telling yourself untruths in overlooking people's awfulness simply denies facts. Goodness hampers judgment. Kindness, like zeal, excuses commonplace vanity, but not malodorousness.

(Paul Wigmore) `Questions, Watson! Eventually realising the young Uruguayan is our poisoner. . . . '

'A staggering deduction!'

'Fiddlesticks!' growled Holmes. 'Just kinder- garten logic. Zapata exported comatose vipers beneath naval munitions. QED, Watson. Elementary reasoning!'

`Then you understand I observed plainly a sailor dying from gangrene, Holmes — juddering knees, lingering zymosis, expiration. Certainly vir-

ulent, but not murder!' (Philip Irwin)

Quivering with emotion, Robin — timelessly youthful, universally iconic outlaw — paled as some devoted follower gravely heliographed: JOHN — KING. LIONHEART ZAPPED — XENO- TYPE'S CAPTIVE. VILLAINY BREEDS.' 'Never mind,' quixotic wrongdoers exclaimed, reassuringly. `Toppling yellow usurpers is our preferred activi- ty.' Sherwood's doughty foresters galvanised Hood: 'Justice! Kill loathsome zany!' Expressing consensus, valiant bowmen nodded merrily.

(KG. McBeath) Quaggas were even rarer than yaks, unprotected in open plains, and savagely destroyed for gain. Human jackals, killing lovely zebras, exterminat- ed countless veldt beasts. No moral questioning will ever restore them; yet uneducated indiffer- ence obliterates pandas and similar defenceless fauna. Giving help justifies keeping large zoos. Exemplary cultures value beauty, not mammon.

(Frank McDonald)