I know nothing about rugby, but Jonny Wilkinson is still my favourite quarterback

TOBY YOUNG G‘jou're joking, right?' The person on the 1 other end of the phone was Grub Smith, a sports-loving friend of mine who I was hoping might get me out of a spot of bother. The problem was, I'd arranged to watch this Saturday's rugby World Cup final with some neighbours and I thought my knowledge of the game could do with some brushing up. The question that had prompted Grub's incredulous response was about Jonny Wilkinson For some reason, he was surprised by my reference to him as `the quarterback'.

Ordinarily, I wouldn't be afraid to reveal my ignorance in front of the neighbours, but not knowing about rugby carries all sorts of unwelcome implications. For one thing, they might think that I hadn't been to a public school (and they would be right). Even if they were prepared to give me the benefit of the doubt on that, they might assume that I was one of those schoolboys who used to produce notes from their mothers to get them off games (and they would be right about that, too). All in all, I'd prefer it if they didn't know just how unfamiliar I am with the rules of rugby.

'So what's the difference between rugby and American Football?' I asked Grub. 'Aren't they basically the same?' There was a pause.

'Can I ask you a question?'

'Yes.'

'Were you born in this country?'

'Yes.'

'And brought up here?'

'Yes, yes.'

'So how on earth can you be so completely f—ing ignorant about our national game?'

I was a little affronted by this. After all, it isn't as if I know nothing about rugby. I know that it's played with an oval-shaped ball rather than a spherical one and that you're allowed to pick the ball up . . . most of the time. It is the more obscure aspects of the game that p11771e me. For instance, why don't the wide receivers — or `forwards,' as I believe they're called — linger around their opponent's touchline and wait for Jonny Wilkinson to pass it to them? Is there a rule against that? Or is it simply prohibited by convention?

I tried to get to the bottom of some of these mysteries watching last Saturday's semifinal against France in the privacy of my own sitting room. Unfortunately, after 80 minutes of play I was none the wiser. Why did both sides repeatedly kick the ball out of play? And how did the referee determine when a foul had been committed given that all the players were beating the crap out of each other more or less continuously?

One of the reasons I'm anxious to improve my knowledge of the game before Saturday's big match is that I don't want to make as big a fool of myself as I did last March when I flew to Tel Aviv to watch the England football team take on Israel. On the flight out, I found myself sitting next to Glenn Hoddle and I asked him why Steve McClaren hadn't included Craig Bellamy in the squad. 'I know he's a bit of a bad boy, but he's a useful little player,' I said, trying to sound authoritative. 'He could cause Israel's defence some real problems.'

'I agree with you,' said the former England manager. 'The problem is, Craig Bellamy is Welsh.'

You might well be wondering why I was flying 2,000 miles to watch a football match when I clearly know so little about the game. Indeed, why am I bothering to watch the rugby this Saturday? The answer is that in the past year or so I've suddenly developed a passionate interest in sport. After a lifetime of complete indifference, I now find myself devouring the Sports section of the Daily Telegraph each morning. It's almost as if I'm suffering from one of those curious neurological disorders that Oliver Sacks writes about. My wife is convinced that this 'personality change' has been caused by the birth of our third child. In her eyes, my insistence on watching hour after hour of sport on TV is just an excuse to weasel out of my nappychanging responsibilities.

At the conclusion of my conversation with Grub I was confident I'd be able to bluff my way through Saturday's final 'When you get right down to it, Rugby League is no more complicated than Association Football,' I said. Grub was unimpressed.

'This is the Rugby Union World Cup, you plonker.'

Toby Young is associate editor of The Spectator.