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11 YEAR OLD SCOTCH WHISKY

Hard question, soft reply

Jaspistos

c EA 12 YR OLD SCOTCH WHISKY In Competition No. 1621 you were asked for two 'modern' letters, the woman prop- osing marriage and the man replying.

Most of the proposals were more like propositions — such as the one 0. Smith's the Reverend C. Woolley received from Miss Emily Fish: 'You know that, follow- ing your excellent advice, I have become a candidate for the Priesthood. Now I realise that God wishes us to become a team. Therefore, Cyril, I beg you to join me in Holy Matrimony that we may fulfil His work together.' The opening sentences of Beverley Strauss's letters were almost sufficient in themselves: 'Dear Peter, I've just seen When Harry Met Sally' . . . 'Dear Ella, I've just seen War of the Roses.' Among the replies (which were rarely very soft) D. Shepherd's gentleman tempered his acceptance with the reflection, 'How odd it seems to have a fiancée — rather like having L plates when you already know how to drive.' Few of your exchanges got anywhere near the Beatrice-Benedick, Millamant- Mirabell standard, but the winners printed below earn their £15 apiece. I have let John O'Byrne get away with a reply from a third party, for the sake of the excellent propos- al. The bonus bottle of Chivas Regal 12-year-old de luxe blended whisky is awarded to Connie Yapp.

Benjers, Now that taxation rules have snipped away the financial barbed wire for married females, might it not be the psychic moment to consider the advantages of a joint-income men- age? The invested returns from the sale of my

flat might just run to a pair of slaves to maintain that ruin of yours. Not averse to sharing a duvet if absolutely necessary, nor, in extremis, produc- ing the odd brat or two to inhabit the nursery and annoy your beastly neighbours.

Is Monday, 18 June, okay? If so, we'll follow with a couple of days at Brighton to make the dreary adjustment. Sincy, Bunty.

Bunty, What a droll idea! I'll chivvy Florence Rumplebaurri of Cardwell, Greensill and Lung- fever to draft a statement of intent and a deed of matrimonial partnership for your approval. All being tolerably tickety-boo (BUPA tests, natch), I see no significant impediment to your emotional enterprise.

Ever etcetera, Benjers. (Connie Yapp) Dear Sam, Fulsomest congrats on your by- election triumph. My speaking for your oppo- nent was, of course, purely political: as MP for the neighbouring constituency, I could hardly refuse.

How about translating our new adjacency into an entrepreneurial maritality? Reasons: (a) as a

Permanent self-cancelling 'pair', we could tell both teams of Whips to naff off (b) only one non-London base needed (c) whichever gets to Number 10 first will be propped by truly political spouse — not some wilting bardess or lounge- bar liability (d) media possibilities of polarised Commons marriage infinite (everyone bored by those dreary Bottomleys) (e) you're even sexier than Robin Cook.

Trusting to be yours ever, Pam Dear Pam, The sheer ruthless logic of your realpolitik is both supremely persuasive and quite rampantly arousive. Have provisionally booked Monday 11 a.m. slot at Marylebone Registrar's. Please confirm in House tonight. Will then alert Wapping.

Yours till D. Skinner wears morning dress, Sam.

(Martin Fagg) Dear Kevin, My accountant advises marriage within three months to reduce outstanding tax liabilities. Any EEC country would suit. Shall we be romantic in Paris, or practical in Preston (honeymooning at Oldham's Data-Banking Conference)? Our portfolios are compatible, as are our personal computers. London and New York are home-base relocation possibilities. Please confirm availability and provisional choice of venue for ceremony.

Fax reply to Brussels office file-ref. Personal/Love. Dear Debra, Marriage partnership proposal accepted — draft contract transmitted to your solicitor for action/referral. Diary dates suggest our secretaries confirm, with view to completion, preferably Brussels, early May, to coincide with EMS Conference.

If London relocation I'll pay your Poll Tax! (D. A. Prince) Dearest John, I guess this is a love letter, though I'm not sure I know how to write one.

The children are asleep at last, Jamie looking so like you, so vulnerable and handsome, and Lucy so lovely it hurts.

You are singing in the bath — 'La Vie en Rose' — always the same song. I wonder if you remember it was the first tune we ever danced to. Soon you will appear, looking splendid in the dressing-gown Santa Claus brought. You will ruffle my hair and shout for your supper.

I know I've made a thing of being indepen- dent, John, but over the years you have become the rock I cling to for my dear life. Life has become such fun.

Dammit, John, I even love your Mum.

Will you marry me? Jane.

Dearest Jane, I thought you would never ask. Love, John.

(N. E. Soret) Dear Jeremy, Just a brief note to check how you are progressing following our time together on Module 3 of our Support and Challenge Prog- ramme. At that time you noted some 'things' you wanted to work on before we reconvened for Module 4. Specifically, you requested me to allocate you some 'time-space' so that you could redirect your strategies, reposition your goals (internal) and choose between conflicting objec- tives (external). This memo is to prompt your attention back to our original game plan.

Having considered all the options, and taking into account our common interest in Manage- ment Theory, I propose that we proceed on a course of merger, combining our personal in- terests to mutually beneficial ends (without compromising our separate, unique identities). I look forward to receiving your reply in due

course. Love, Sandra.

Dear Mrs Beatty, Mr Jeremy Roberts resigned from the company yesterday.

Yours sincerely,