21 APRIL 2007, Page 79

YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED

Dear Mary

Q. A young man from Oz, the son of a friend of my wife, has been staying for several weeks. He walks into the house and helps himself to a beer or a banana or a toasted cheese sandwich. This is what they do in American soaps, opening the fridge without even saying hello, but it is slightly at odds with the upbringing of our children who are encouraged to ask before helping themselves. My wife believes this shows that he feels at home and that, if I disapprove, I should ask him next time to bring back some beer, bananas, bread or cheese. I prefer a different approach, making sure that we have no beer, bananas, bread or cheese in the house, so that he’ll learn from the consequences of his actions. Which is the correct response?

Name and address withheld A. Arrange for another youth to spend a couple of nights in your house. Ensure Youth One is present when Youth Two arrives. Invite Youth Two to sit down with your family while you offer him a drink. ‘Thanks for this,’ Youth Two can have been primed by you to say, as he raises his glass. ‘What are your English house rules, incidentally, about food and drink? While I am staying here should I buy my own and keep it on a separate shelf? Should I eat at the same time as you or separately?’ ‘Good question,’ your wife can reply. Then, shushing the room, she can remind her own children as well as instructing her guests — that the fridge will happily yield its endless bounty. For strategic and planning reasons, however, she must be its gatekeeper. By including the entire assembled company, as she lays down this law, she can ensure that Youth One will not feel suddenly paranoid or unwelcome.

Q. I am a French teacher at a rural RC comprehensive school. Recently I took a small group of children on an exchange trip and we stayed at a rather grand public school in France. The return leg will shortly happen. My difficulty is that the mother of one of my pupils appears wholly lacking in any maternal feelings and has (according to my police officer wife) the appearance of being a user of illicit drugs. Furthermore the child has had a succession of ‘uncles’ following the violent death of her natural father. The mother did not attend one of the preparatory meetings and I am concerned that she will be unable to offer adequate care to her daughter’s exchange partner. I do not want this woman to feel further marginalised but I cannot believe it is fair on the exchange partner to bring her into such a situation. Many of the other pupils are from equally humble backgrounds but will have no difficulty in making their partners feel at home. I can easily find a substitute for this particular partner and I would hope that I can involve the daughter in the return leg. How can I tell this young mother that her daughter’s exchange partner will not be staying with her?

S.H., Durham A. The mother in question deserves to be marginalised if she would put the guest child’s health and safety at risk. You would do her no favours by letting her escape the consequences of her actions. Simply tell her that the child in question is used to a strong degree of personal supervision at home and you feel she would be happier in a more formal household.