Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody
By Tamzin Lightwater MONDAY What a day! Just back from Service of Thanksgiving in the All-Faiths-And-None Prayer Room. Jed read an excerpt from Franklin D. Roosevelt's inaugural speech about having nothing to fear but fear itself (I thought J.EK. said that but never mind). It was v moving. Just like the American people in 1933 the citizens of London are about to be given back their energy and hope.
Boris himself was going to pop in and address us briefly but apparently he couldn't work out the entry system.
TUESDAY DD really enjoying the New Cold War. Says it's even better this time around because the kit's more advanced. Foxy ringing non-stop asking for blast-off clearance.
Meanwhile am heading a team of six working up Boris merchandise — knew my background in modern art would pay off eventually! So far we've got Boris mugs, Boris bicycle clips, Boris shampoo and anti-tangle conditioner and Boris's quotations printed on fridge magnets. Am thinking of making the mugs heat-sensitive so that when you pour hot water in his hair stands on end.
Nigel in stinky mood because it's going to be news management nightmare. Says there was big summit at Dave and Sam's at the weekend where Boris promised he wouldn't do anything to embarrass us. Afterwards Dave asked Sam: 'What could possibly stop him? It would take a major series of catastrophes for him not to be a shoo-in.' To which Sam simply said 'exactly' and nibbled enigmatically on a piece of focaccia.
WEDNESDAY Dispatched to Ealing. I hate by-elections. Walked about ten miles up and down Southall Broadway then had to take my shoes off in a temple — feet battered and bruised and I hadn't painted my toenails! Even the teenage Tory boys carrying placards looked at me with ill-disguised revulsion. And they've probably never seen a girl's bare feet.
Then back to campaign HQ where Mr Shapps ordered me to blow up 100 balloons. Had managed to do about 15 and was feeling violently sick when someone pointed out the gas canisters in the corner. Quite frankly, the way I feel now, I don't much care who wins. All the candidates are Labour anyway.
Seeing Rob again tonight. He's so nice. Asks non-stop questions. Have never known someone so selflessly interested.
THURSDAY The Boz-Meister himself came into the office today! Did hilarious routine about how he's going to give Ken more time to spend with his newts! Everyone hysterical with laughter.
Except Mr Letwin of course. Afterwards he came over and gnawed my ear off about how he's funnier. Jed walked by and said 'Don't be absurd.' Which made things worse because he then started telling some of his 'jokes', including the one where 'Caroline Spelman walks into a chip shop'.
Had meeting with Nigel about why my pay rise hasn't happened. He says every last penny has to go through the board since the stink they kicked up about the amount we're paying Gary, our new comms director. Told him was reduced to darning my dressage jacket, but he didn't seem moved. Might see if I can patent those Boris mugs...
Tamzin Lightwater will again be at home to Boris-favourable callers on facebook.com
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