On a domestick tragedy etc
OXFORD LETTER IRIS OXONIENSIS
LOVING SISTER MERCURIA LONDINIENSIS,
Tis a sad office I must perform in writing to you this day, for my poor brother, your hus- band's old friend and fellow-collegian Mer- curius Oxoniensis, is even now in Dr Rad- cliffes Infirmary, very feverish and on no account to be troubled with the writing of letters. He is sick of a cracked pate, which he acquired- last Saturday evening from- a fully charged wine-bottle, which, being tossed casually out of a window in Lincoln coll. while he was scrutinizing the wall-scrib- blings in Brazen-nose lane, hit him plumb on the head; so that truly, as he says, he was well-nigh killed as a witness to the truth, add should be included in the next edition of the late Master Foxe's Book of Martyrs. He is now in a very low condition and has but one consolation, viz: that the projectile was, on examination, found to be a champagne- bottle, which (he says) argues that some at least of the young men are sound and do not waste the hours proper to conviviality in devizing adry committees and seeking to participate in the business of their betters. `Why, sister', he cry'd out, as good old Nurse Bedpan applied the plaister to his skull, 'do but think! Had there still beet] wall-scribblings on Balliol coil., I might have been laid out by a copper-bottom'd cocoa- urn, or a firkin of distill'd water, or a vol- ume of my Lord Lindsay's Meditations, re- vised, bowdleriz'd and annotated by the now Master (whoever he may be): which would be a shameful end for an establish'd tutor and fellow of a college'. And at that mere thought -he fell into a melancholy,- very pit- eous to behold.
This domestick tragedy being reported to me on Sunday morning, as I was returning from parson Trulliber's sermon (which was
Elisha and the bears, very aptly applied to the insolency of our modern youth), I flew up from the country, and found poor Mercurius very weak, though much cheer'd by an armful of red roses, newly sent to console him by Mistress Starkie; which was very handsomely done and shows her to be a true lady. He lamented. _very dismally, the restraints which this sad accident had put upon him; as,. first, his inability to write to you about the new degree in Sociology and Sawciness which the Provost of King's coll. and his swinging crew have carried at Cam- bridge against the gallant opposition of the Master of Jesus coll. and others, concern- ing which he had just received a long letter from our friend Mercurius Cantabrigiensis, full of pithy observations; and, secondly, the impossibility of attending a great drink- ing-party at which all our young wits were to celebrate the ennoblement of Master Weidenfeld, who publishes their trash for 'em; and where he had hoped, by patient listening, to pick up (from my Lord Balogh and others) some useful intelligence.
So much for his (and your) loss through that misdirected bottle. But for me this accident has a nearer consequence. For hav- ing reckoned on being taken by my good brother to Mr Vice-chancellour's grand gar- den party in St John's coll. next Wednesday, I had but lately stretch'd my purse to buy a new hat, very modish, with goose-feathers in it and a cluster of grapes, marvellous life- like, hanging over the brim of it, to show myself off to the Chancellour and beau monde of the university. Which hope is now altogether dashed, unless I can find some good-natured bachelour (as Master Mark- ham; or Sir R. Syme, if he be not abroad. as usual, administering the Republick of Letters), under whose protection I may be able to insinuate myself into that assembly. But alas! 'tis too probable I shall be cut out by your London duchesses and those other great ladies (my lady Hartwell, etc.) who, having disentangled themselves, one way or another, from their husbands, troop up to Oxon every year on that occasion. Dr Rowse having baited the trap for them with cold chicken and strawberries in Codring- ton's Library and other inducements such as our frail sex cannot resist.
On this melancholy note I must now bid you adieu, having engaged myself to go to the Infirmary this afternoon and relieve Nurse Bedpan for a while in attendance on my poor brother, of whose health, on my return, I shall not fail to advertize you and your husband; to both of whom, good sister, I commend myself.
Your loving sister
IRIS OXONIENSIS
es Having just returned from the Infirmary, I unseal this letter to add that I find my dear brother (God be praised) vastly improved. For not only was he much cheered by sheaves of flowers sent to him in his afflic- tion by Mercurius Cantabrigiensis from the other place (to which the news had been car- ried by a college cricket team), by Master Lawson in London (who has mysterious channels of intelligence), and by divers admirers here in Oxon (some of whom have presumed to guess his academick name and status, but have grossly erred in it), but he hath also heard good news, which he bade me send on to you, in the matter of student stirs and Master Hart's Report thereon. For whereas Master. Hart had proposed that his joint committees, wherewith he will slow down our business, should be supplied by the Student Representative Council (being their parliament, to which only a few agi- tators and busy-bodies belong), now it seems that this proposition at least must come to naught. For first, the agitators themselves.
'Divorce courts please, driver.'
without giving themselves time to read the Report, have instantly refused to contem- plate such committees, as being far below the deserts; of which they must themselves be judges; and secondly, the graduate stud- ents, being persons of sense, and seeing how the wind blows, are now openly seceding, by college after college, from that Council, as being no parliament of theirs. So now it seems that the ninnies will be left crying for the moon while the earth beneath them gives way and will soon swallow 'em up and so silence them. Which is a very comforting reflexion on which to begin the long Vacation.
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