COMPETITION

No. 618: On the hoof

With angry passengers demonstrating against new fare increases on London's buses and Underground and 'quality' rail commuter routes, this week's competition picks itself: a marching song against London Transport or British Rail. Limit sixteen lines. Entries, marked 'Competition No. 618.' by 4 Sep. tember.

No. 615: The winners

Charles Seaton reports: Competitors were asked to provide an extract from the opening or closing address of the World Naturist Congress at Orpington. Most entrants treat- ed the naturists fairly kindly. Not so Martin Fagg:

'Members may have observed that in a

recent number of the SPECTATOR there was a competition in which readers were invited to provide part of my opening speech. (Inter- jections of "Nerve!" "Cheek!" "Bloody sauce!") Obviously the competitions editor of the SPECTATOR-doubtless soon to be re- named "The Voyeur" (titters)-supposes that a naturist is some kind of a nut. Let us show him that the naturist is as normal as the next man.' (Audience stand on their heads and gibber in approval.)

Perhaps naturism is a dangerous subject, but the speakers were noticeably prone to

make faux pas: . . Welcome to the new girls. Mr B.O. will help you fill out your forms' (Gerald Noel); 'Pray be seated! Thank you for that round of applause . . (F. A. V. Madden); 'Today we may claim, if immodestly, our various members are seen at their best' (Edward Samson).

Most of the prizewinners played their theme piano. Even so, I still wonder if naturists blush.

Of the prizewinners J. M. Crooks and E. 0. Parrott win two guineas. Richard Probyn and Maud Gracechurch (technically within the rules) three guineas and Roger Woddis and Howard Belton four guineas each.

. . In closing-or should I say clothing?- this congress, I ask you. ladies and gentle- men, to remind those who are intent on con- cealing the differences between the sexes that inside every clothed person there's a full frontal nude waiting to get out.' (Applause and singing of 'For he's a jolly nude fellow?) J. M. Crooks . But first I would like to say a word in answer to a number of inquiries 'regarding the outing on Wednesday afternoon. Thanks to the action of the bus company in blacking out the windows of the coaches, clothes will not be required.' (Cheers.) 'The trip will be a mystery tour of the most picturesque parts of Surrey and Kent.'

'And now, naturists, the time has come to say farewell to a highly successful Congress. True, there have been the usual mishaps: a few cases of tots being caught in the mangle, and one or two lost balls over the high broken-glass-topped boundary fence. But these are minor blemishes beside the benefits we have enjoyed. Each of us has, by personal contact, learned much about members_ from different localities; even, in fact, foreign parts. We may not always see eye to eye, but in Naturism we always learn to respect the other fellow's standpoint. And so. .

Richard Probyn

'Naturally I am delighted that you asked me to open your Congress. Since June, Mary and I have been pleased to accept any invita- tion which offered expenses and a free meal. I know that all of you equate good health with the absence of clothes, but some of you may be unaware of how the Labour government fought to make every Briton a naturist, by contriving frankly and fearlessly to achieve a state of affairs in which no man, woman or child could afford clothes. This is what we meant by a really healthy econ-

E. 0. Parrott

omy' (Here there was a break in the speech, after Mr Wilson had tried to put a lighted pipe into a non-existent pocket.)

Maud Gracechurch

'Fellow Buff Orpingtons! We've had a wonderful congress .. . A lot of people now know what we stand for, though some think we've been over-exposed.

'The service by the Rev Donald Sherrill was a great success. Next year we hope to get an unfrocked priest.

'Perhaps the moat important decision during our deliberations was the overwhelm- ing defeat of the so-called "codpiece lobby". It sticks out a mile that our male members just aren't going to wear it.

'Finally, a word of apology to the ladies who would have liked to see a longer agenda. But the remedy is in their hands.'

Roger Woddiv

'Unaccustomed as I am to pubic speaking. I have enjoyed preaching the word at this opening ceremony. Cynics in the parish council say I invited Congress to church to boost the collection or get myself on the Epilogue. This is false. I hope I have entered the spirit of things, and apologise for the apron-a necessary protection against candle wax. I regret nothing, after seeing with my own eyes that your movement, like the church, knows no barriers of colour, shape or size.

`'It is with great pleasure that I unveil this young lady and declare the Congress open.'

Howard Belton