COMPETITION
Bizarre books
Jaspistos
IN COMPETITION NO. 2047 you were given two authentic titles of published works — Teach Yourself Alcoholism and Cooking with God — and invited to provide an amusing extract from either.
I had hoped a lot of you would be on holiday this week, leaving me with a light work-load, but, alas and hurrah, the entry was the biggest ever. Meanwhile I stole a week in the Gulf of Corinth, reteaching myself alcoholism and cooking on the beaches under Apollo. Let me recommend Bizarre Books, which inspired this comp, a volume which will appear next month under the imprint of Pavilion, authors Russell Ash and Brian Lake. Count your- selves lucky that I didn't set you Characteristics of the Conditioned Response in Cretinous Rats or The Penis Inserts of Southeast Asia: An Annotated Bibliography with an Overview and Comparative Perspec- tives, listed by one bookseller as a 'self- help' title.
The prizewinners, printed below, get £25 each, and the bottle of The Macallan The Malt Scotch whisky goes to Alanna Blake.
Chapter 5: Developing Subterfuge Having reached your initial goal of four mea- sures per hour, it is vital that you learn to pre- empt attempts to impede your progress. With careful planning you can ensure there is always a drink to hand. Small bottles are easier to fit into safe places — under the dog's beanbag, behind the video stack, inside pot plants, at the bottom of the fridge. If the chore of regularly refilling these containers becomes too demanding, full- sized (even litre) bottles can be camouflaged by cereal cartons, fitted inside umbrellas, wedged in the piano or lavatory cistern. You will become more imaginative with time. Remember you will need supplies in all parts of the house — and even in the garden. Potting-sheds are tradition- ally full of convenient hiding-places, and various densely foliated shrubs make ideal receptacles. Do not, however, give yourself thorny species to negotiate. (Alanna Blake) A common question asked by aspiring alcoholics is, 'Have I graduated from mere heavy drinking to alcoholism?' The fact that they can phrase the question tempts one to facetiously answer, 'No.' But the best way to tell whether you've passed that mythic barrier into alcoholism is when you begin to relish the double brandy for breakfast,
as recommended in Chapter One. If you can enjoy this fiery liquid repast with the minty, sweet taste of toothpaste still in your arid, hung- over mouth, you must be an alcoholic. Another great advantage of the liquid breakfast is that it facilitates drinking on an empty stomach, an absolute must for the truly ambitious toper. Remember that food doesn't line the stomach, it fills it, taking up valuable drinking space. In fact, this self-help manual has become the recreation- al diet of choice for women seeking to lose weight without abandoning the cocktail party
circuit. (Adrian Fry) The brothers took it in turns to prepare the main meal of the day, which system resulted in many a hungry belly and once, indeed, the calling out of the local fire brigade. Eventually, Father Alo- pecius decided to choose one monk, quite arbi- trarily, and allocate him to permanent catering duties in the hope that he might acquire some expertise. That brother, unhappily, was I.
Therefore, the 'incendarium', as it was by then called, became my province for the next 20 test- ing years. Trial and error were my main tutors, accompanied by much prayer. Study, too, played its part. How amused a young novice was when I requested him to fetch Delia Smith from my cell! Later, however, failing eyesight made it increasingly difficult for me to ascertain the exact contents of the various large kitchen stor-
age jars. It is truly a blessing that in our refectory the rule of silence is observed. (Prue Sheldon) Many years ago, when I was still attached to Mrs Beeton's apron-strings, a Higher Power revealed Himself to me in my kitchen, and since then my invisible Culinary Companion, as I like to call him, has accompanied me on many an exciting adventure. I am not ashamed to say that it is He who breathes into my souffles, adds savour to my sauces and releases his precious pectin into my preserves. That is why no recipe of mine is com- plete without that extra 'ingredient', prayer, of which you will find samples in the Appendix on page 357. For example, I always genuflect and say a little something just before sliding a bak- ing-tray of macaroons into the oven. The soggy mixture may look unappetising, but, believe me, the crisp cookies that eventually emerge are divine. Now let me share with you another of my precious secrets. . . . (Jeremy Lawrence) I set out in this book to bring together the world's religions by using only those foodstuffs acceptable to them all. At first I thought this merely meant eliminating such well-known taboos as pork and beef; but I soon realised that I should exclude foods to which a particular creed might accord a symbolic importance. The reader will therefore find no reference to foods with such obviously Christian connotations as lamb, fish, or even the apple. Pythagoreans will find no offensive references to beans. Later, after studying certain Eastern religions, I decid- ed to omit all animal products.
What remains might be thought restricting, but I have found the palette available from a mainly root vegetable cuisine to be remarkably stimulating. One thing all religions have in com- mon, hdivever, is an element of self-denial, and this should be amply catered for in these pages.
(Noel Petty)
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