YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Q. My husband and I have spent the sum- mer receiving lavish hospitality from a number of friends, all of whom are bound- lessly rich and extremely generous. We, by contrast, live in a small terraced house in London without even a spare bedroom and are in no position to return any of this kindness in a material fashion. However, we would not wish to be seen as just takers. House presents given to people with incomes above a certain level are pointless, so what can we do other than write effusive thank-you letters?
Name and address withheld A. You are correct about the house pre- sents. Indeed, it is known that at least one of the hostesses whose identity you have confided to me under separate cover con- siders house presents to be common. The well established dictate 'Just bring your- self' is never expressed so sincerely as by the super-rich. Although you cannot make material recompense, however, there is something else you can do. What the super-rich give to their guests (as well as food and drink and facilities) is time. One saves hours of time that would otherwise be spent shopping, cooking, cleaning, driv- ing, etc. You can repay them in time ideally through the proxy of their children. Take these on nightmarish trips to Legoland, for example. Take teenagers out
Dear Mary.. .
from school and sit through ghastly Parental Guidance certificate films with them. Introduce student-age children to desirable role models, sort out their Ucca forms, etc. In short, do things which do not involve spending money but do involve spending time. In this way you will inspire far more sincere gratitude from your hosts than could ever come of a 'return match' in a rented stately.
Q. Am I being parsimonious when, after making some purchases in a shop and knowing my change will only amount to a few pence (or the equivalent), I wait for the coins to be handed over by an apparently surprised shop assistant? I try and busy myself with putting my often few purchases into a plastic bag so that it does not look obvious that I am waiting for my change. Certainly a few pence make no difference to me, but I feel that 'right is right' and that assistants should not expect customers to waive the paltry sums. I should add that I write this from a country where 'tipping' is not practised at all. What is the correct pro- cedure in such circumstances?
O.K. Reykjavik, Iceland A. You should say, 'Oh, I would like the change, actually. I've got a funny old clockwork toy that only operates with tiny coins.' As the assistant swings into action, you can add pleasantly, 'Of course, it is mine by law, actually, isn't it? Am I right? Or does it belong to the shop these days?'
Q. My daughter is getting married on 3 October. How can I discourage guests from throwing confetti, as our vicar is rather queeny about the mess?
Name and address withheld A. Ring up the headquarters of Culpeper on 01223 894054 and order some 50-gram packets of dried rose petals at £1.65 each. Vicars do not mind dried rose petals since they biodegrade and have none of the pas- sive-aggressive qualities of confetti.
Mary Killen
If you have a problem, write to Dear Mary, clo The Spectator, 56 Doughty Street, Lon- don WCIN 2LL.
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