YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary.. .
Q. These days I occasionally attend a din- ner or luncheon where the placement involves my sitting next to a member of my own sex. Is one meant to flirt in these situa- tions as one would with a member of the opposite sex, or what is the correct drill?
A.B., London W8 A. A certain degree of verbal and visual flirtation is requisite in such serial scenar- ios, though you should stop short of making any actual physical gestures towards your fellow guest.
Q. I have a conventional central London house. How can I stop friends who come to stay for days or weeks at a time from for- getting to leave the key behind when they leave themselves? This almost always hap- pens if I am not around when they go or if they are unsure of their plans and want to hang on to it on the off-chance. They then disappear or go abroad and I am left the tedious task of having to make yet another time-wasting trip to Banham for a replace- ment. What can I do?
A.C., Kensington A. Extract a £20 note from your guests as
and when you hand over the spare key. Pin the note up where the key is normally kept and say, 'Now, you can reclaim that note when you hang the key back just before you leave.' You will find that this taunting ten- der acts as a surprisingly efficient spur to the memories of your stream of visiting friends. Few, surely, would be so base as to remove the cash without replacing the key.
Q. In great secrecy a close female friend recently had a 'nose job'. Unfortunately, the result has been less than successful. Our friend's nose and facial appearance are infinitely worse than before the operation. Whenever we meet this lady it is impossible
not to look her in the eye and, of course, we cannot avoid looking at her nose. Everyone is highly embarrassed. What is the correct behaviour in these circumstances and what should one say (if anything)?
B.G. Hale, Cheshire.
A. When friends have had unflattering plas- tic surgery the tactful way of tipping them off without forcing them to confess to surgi- cal intervention is to cry, `Gosh! Have you lost a massive amount of weight?' When they reply, 'No,' you can rejoin, 'But you look so different. You must have lost weight and, do you know, it really doesn't suit you. I think you obviously need to be fatter. Aren't you lucky?'
Q. The new maid whom F.B. of Oxford remembers (4 December 1993) must have looked at Punch. 'Do you stack or are you gentry?' — in that order — was the caption appended to a cartoon in that magazine in, I think, the 1920s. I remember it.
J.R.R.S., Whitsbury, Hampshire A. Thank you for your letter.
Mary Killen
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