AND ANOTHER THING
Sounds of righteous anger from the bowels of the No. 10 bunker
PAUL JOHNSON
I detect a certain poverty of expression on the part of Major 'aides' — a tendency to repeat themselves. And since a great many more things are going to go wrong for Mr M. in the coming weeks and months, it seems to me that the 'aides' ought to stock up on words and phrases to describe the Prime Minister's rage. Fortu- nately the English language, much assisted by its American, Australian and other trib- utaries, is a foaming torrent of expressions when it comes to depicting resentment. Those aides need never be in danger of running out of verbal fodder. To make things easy for them, I am composing a series of stock replies to be used in response to anxious media inquiries about Mr Major's reactions to untoward events.
`Gentlemen of the press, he is livid. He has freaked out. He is wrathful, wroth, irate, ireful. He is not only furious but infu- riate. He is inflamed, is flaring, is flaming, has flared up, is heated, red-hot, nay white- hot, but also fuming, smoking, counting down, ready for blast-off and positively air- borne. He has lift-off. Right, Reg?'
`Definitely, Sid. He is wild, rough, savage, tempestuous, stormy, raging, howling, roar- ing, windy, blustery, gusty, turbulent and squally. He is also seething and foaming. He is fit to be tied and ropable. Believe me, he is blue in the face and also red in the face, delinious and delirious, mad as a hor- net, hot under the collar, sore as a bull, het up, shirty, apoplectic, seeing red, doing a berserker, indignant, worked up, has taken amiss and offence, is smouldering, burning, boiling with indignation, has taken it to heart, is bearing a grudge, letting it rankle and bearing malice. He is arching his back and raising his hackles, swelling with fury, blowing his top, letting off steam and exploding. He is piqued, stung, nettled, needled, pinpricked, rankling, ruffled, affronted, outraged, displeased and not amused.'
`Oh, that is nothing, Reg. Why, gentle- men — and ladies, too! — he is vexed, nee- dled, has taken umbrage. His ire is roused, his dander is up, his wrath is kindled, his bile is stirred, he is lashing his tail, breath- ing fire and fury, is red-eyed and bloodshot. He is embittered, ulcered, envenomed, exasperated, aggravated, embroiled, incensed, maddened and sore. He has a bone to pick, a crow to pluck and a handle to fly off. He is petulant, curryish, shirty, sultry, vinegary, crabbed, crusty, cross- grained, misanthropic, cantankerous, pep- pery, trigger-happy and snappy. He has the sulks, the pouts and the mulligrubs. Oh, gentlemen, he is a tartar, a hornet, a mad dog, a bear and a crosspatch!'
`Yes, Sid. I tell you, gents, he is perform- ing! Stiffen the lizards! Starve the bardies! He is sore as a snouted Sheila. He has got on his quince. He has gone crook and gone bush. He is butchers. He has gone hostile and kicked his humpy. Someone has got on his tit, given him the sterks and put one up his duck-house. He has decided to get wet and to go lemony. He is making a scene, raising Cain, cutting up rough, creating, carrying on, hopping mad, having a paddy and doing a paddywack. I make no bones about it, he is ratty. He is pugnacious and bellicose, volcanic, choleric and uptight. He is cross and testy. He is cut to the quick.'
`Right, Reg. 0 paladins of the media! He is bent on revenge, determined to give tit for tat, to render a Roland for an Oliver, to take an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth, to give as good as he gets, pay them Did the earth move for you, too?' back in their own coin and ensure a quid pro quo. He will apply the lex talionis. He will give them their come-uppance and a taste of their own medicine. They will get what's coming, their just deserts, measure for measure and pound for pound, in short their quietus. He will gibbet and oppugn them, excoriate, lambast, belabour and clapperclaw them, send them to blazes and use unparliamentary language. He will Limehouse and Billingsgate them. He will be sulphurous, vilipendious, vitriolic, imprecatory and reproving. He will rattle his sabre and hold them in terrorem. Is that enough, Sid?'
`No, Reg. He will bark, curse, snarl, bris- tle, spit, look daggers, and bung on his act. He will bluster and hector. He will damn and blast and, by golly, exprobate. He will become corybantic, rabid and maddened, go bonkers, crackers, scatty, screwy, frantic, nutty, nuts, batty, bats, cuckoo, wacky, loco, daft, crazy, dippy, loony, loopy, potty . . . '
`Steady on, Sid. The Prime Minister will also take the nation calmly into the heart of Europe and lead a united party to victory in the coming election. Got that? But in the meantime, though he is a peaceable man, he is now fed up to here, his patience is exhausted, he is out of his pram, he is send- ing for the men in white coats and he intends to penalise and discipline all rebels whatsoever, amerce, mulct, admonish and castigate them, rap their knuckles, tar and feather them, tan their hides, keelhaul and ride them out on a rail, cudgel, slash, thump and batter, manhandle, swinge, trounce, flog and pillory them. As the but- ler says to Laurel and Hardy in Dirty Work: "Somewhere, an electric chair is waiting." Do you hear, you swabs? He will buffet and cuff and club you, strappado and break you on the wheel, he will garrotte and lapidate, crucify and flay, impale, noyade, bow- string, rack and peine-forte-and-dure you. As he said to me this morning, Reg, he will out-Lear Lear. He begged me to touch him with noble anger and let not women's weapons, water-drops, stain his man's cheeks. He added, "No, you unnatural hags" — meaning, I fear Lady Thatcher and Teresa Gorman — "I will have such revenges on you both that all the world shall — I will do such things — what they are yet I know not — but they shall be the terrors of the earth." In short, he was a bit cross. Well, that's it, lads. And remember, all this is strictly off the record.'
Previous page
