OTT theme hotel

Jaspistos

In Competition No. 2281 you were invited to describe in detail a ghastly theme hotel based on a famous writer, painter or musician.

'One is greeted by a notice reading, "Hotel Milligan — and you're welcome to it, mate."' 'After a night at the Bishop Berkeley Homefrom-Home, clients no longer trust their senses — a desirable outcome worth the high charges we demand.' 'I ordered surreal ale from the Dalicatessen room service. We had eaten there last night. If you order cheese, you get a watch.' 'Come and enjoy sumptuous living in the penthouse rooms, feast on shepherd's pie and Krug, savour the fragrance of Mrs Archer (and maybe take a bottle home).' At the Beckett Hotel a sign over the reception desk reads, -No Credit, No Hope At All" ' .... As you can see, great fun was had by all, though your competition-setter, after imaginative nights spent in the Kafka and Tracey Emin hotels among others, feels pretty exhausted.

The prizewinners, printed below, get £30 each, and the bonus case of Cobra Premium beer goes to W.J. Webster.

The entrance to the Hotel Magritte is up a magnificent flight of steps and through two great glass doors marked in red letters NO ENTRY. Inside, the lobby has a crystal chandelier in the centre of the floor and potted palms suspended from the ceiling. The female staff wear Zapata moustaches, and the men wear bowler hats and have all their clothes on back to front. In your room the windows are painted with a view from the window, but when you open them you see a brick wall. In the bathroom all that comes from the shower is the sound of water. The bath-taps arc in the shape of naked figureheads; the bath fills with their tears. When you look in the mirror you see the hack of your head. On the ceiling above your bed a sampler says, 'This is not a pipe dream. Wake up!'

W.J. Webster You're never alone at the Coleridge, where our generous staff:guest ratio includes one personal Ancient Mariner per guest. From the moment you step aboard one of our flagship hotels, you will be regaled with a selection of wild personal narratives — gripping, compelling, spell-binding. Adventure, bird-watching, necrophilia — he can keep the stories rolling all night. Your chance to gain wisdom — in one fabulous weekend.

Unwind in our own stately Pleasure Dome, discreetly distanced from family rooms, soundproofed against wailing, and listen to the latest in exotic music. Chill out in the Caves of Ice; eat from the Honeydew Carvery Menu. Complimentary Milk of Paradise cocktails during thc 'Xanadu' Happy Hour — uninterrupted delight! Glittering experience — out of this world, and your mind! You'll wonder where you've been! It's the place to trip! If you Khan, we Khan! And remember — when you come down, your personal Ancient Mariner will still be waiting!

D.A. Prince

Hotel Caravaggio is strong on atmosphere. Once past the heavily stuccoed exterior. I found myself in the sepulchral gloom of the foyer. Heavy velvet curtains hung over the windows, blocking out all daylight. A few candles on tall stands provided some light and cast deep shadows. 1 paused to let my eyes adjust to the smoky darkness and to discover the whereabouts of reception and the bar.

The heat was stifling, oppressive. After a minute sweat was dripping down my back. A pale, androgynous young man with protruding eyes offered to take my coat, then my jacket, trousers and underwear too. I was astonished to see an elderly man's pink bottom ascend the main staircase. The clearly inebriated figure was supported by two bellboys, naked save for floppy velvet hats decorated with artificial fruit and bells tied to parts of their anatomy that ensured regular ringing.

lain Bellatti The John &Tiernan chain

Expect a hearty welcome from our receptionists, especially Joan.

You can hear the church bells from MIT hotels situated in Olney and Vv'antage. A new one being built in Slough has been halted, pending the outcome of world events.

We welcome blonde hikers arriving on windy days. Discounts are offered to young women who have hiked, especially if they have gained positions of authority at their school and left the bike seat warm. The elderly porter will park your hike.

Strains of Strauss create a genteel atmosphere. Our esteemed silver service, provided by Norman, is matchless; the doilies and serviettes are exactly placed; HP Sauce and Heinz Ketchup arc added to the cruets. Favourites on the menu include sardines. Fuller's angel cakes and Robertson's marmalade (with the golly).

Bedrooms are named after minor public schools.

Amenities include a golf course, tennis court, gym and hockey pitch.

Annabel Barnett

The Swift is truly a family hotel, with fun and facilities for all, Your greeting at the door by our porters, Tich and Magnus, is merely the beginning of an adventure you'll never forget. If you're feeling depleted, a stay in our Lilliput suite will help you to walk tall. (Kiddies just love the en suite toilet in the shape of the royal residence, where they can replicate Gulliver's fire-fighting feat.) Or try a Double Stella in our Brobdingnag Bar. One drink is usually enough! Be entertained, evenings, by our very own live group, the Yahoos — who can 'perform at your table for a small extra tariff. Older visitors arc accommodated to their hearts' content in the Strudlbrug TV lounge. The Breakfast Room has separate facilities for bigenders and little-enders; while gourmets will find the cuisine in the Modest Proposal Grill offers an unusual and truly succulent selection of delicacies.

Gerard Benson

No. 2284: Undue thanks

It seems to me that the Acknowledgments pages in books are seasonally becoming more and more fulsome, snobbish and sentimental. You are invited to supply a toecurling example. Maximum 150 words. Entries to 'Competition No. 2284' by 3 April.