Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody
By Tamzin Lightwater MONDAY Hooray! Labour no longer the Party of Economic Competence!! It's all over! Or rather, it's all back on!! Dave looks like a weight has been lifted. Fifteen different pictures of desperate people queuing at banks spread out on the conference table. We want to frame a few of them, as commemoration of The Day Our Luck Finally Turned, but Jed can't decide which ones he likes best. It's just so dramatic. Reminds me of the day they had a 'buy one get one free' on sacks of stud and youngstock mix at Wibberley Horse and Rider. Though not quite so hysterical.
Meanwhile, the silly feud continues. Thatcher's office on again. Is 'David Cameron' going to the No Turning Back gala dinner at conference? Because if he is, Her Ladyship will not be going. Oh puhlease. This is all so childish. Jed's going to ring back and tell them Dave decided not to go long before he knew she might not be going if he was going. That'll show them!
TUESDAY V excited about our new promise to ensure fair pay for women. Went straight to see our Comms Director Gary and laid it firmly on the line. Said I happened to know that Wonky Tom was earning twice as much as me. Made the point that as we are now supporting young women in making broader and more ambitious career choices, it might be time to give me a bigger role, on election planning for example. He said, 'No way, love,' and asked me to get him a Sencha tea. While I was waiting for the kettle to boil, I wondered how come Theresa May doesn't have to put with this sort of thing. Actually, I bet she does. That's why she's always bulkbuying shoes!
Spoke to a few of the girls and we've decided to start a little Union Chapel. We're going to go to the pub at lunchtime and have beer and sandwiches to celebrate! It's all v cutting edge. I'm going to propose myself as the Shop Stewart.
WEDNESDAY Bit of a panic. Word went round that Gordon was going to follow up his tea party with Maggie by inviting Tony round for dinner! But Jed checked it out and said he was satisfied it was just an urban myth that had got out of control.
Which means that Top Secret Project TB — Tony talks to the Tories! — is still a runner. In fact, it is not out of the question that we might get it sorted in time for the guest appearance at conference. Thank goodness. It was tricky persuading people that we seriously booked Michael 'Mike' Bloomberg as our celebrity speaker, but if this comes off it will all be worth the embarrassment!
Off to drinks at the Ivy now. We're having a 'Hard Times' theme party to mourn Britain's economic decline.
THURSDAY My campaign for equal pay continues apace. Am like suffragette for our age. Today am wearing extra slouchy clothes. Gary said I looked like a bag lady, but I informed him it was 'union chic' and he looked suitably impressed. 'Nice to see you're going the extra mile to Be The Change.' Well, (Doc* Was going to buy dungarees from Topshop but owing to soaring debt levels have decided to rest my credit facilities for a while. The good times are over for debt-ridden Britain and I am v much riding the curve of the zeitgeist. Or is it surfing the wave? I can never remember.