No. 1263: The winners
Jaspistos reports: Competitors were asked, in the spirit of Chesterton's The Club of Queer Trades, to describe an entirely new and odd method of earning a living.
I asked for a description of a trade, an activity, rather than of a commercial pro- duct, and in the spirit of GKC I was looking for a method of earning a living on the far- thest shores of common sense rather than in the realm of madness — a tricky distinc- tion, I acknowledge. For those of you still searching for a way to make your first million, here are some fruitful suggestions: a Bond St bureau whose work is not trac- ing, but effacing ancestors — 'Roots' in reverse (George Moor); a Pessimists' Club for people 'dejected by loose talk of better days ahead', with small individual worrying chambers and a communal crying-room (Joseph Cole); professional bedwarmers for those who dislike electric blankets or hot- water bottles (G. Waldman); an agency of- fering spouse substitutes for men and women seeking a short sabbatical from marriage (Ewan Smith). Edward Samson's Babysitters' Sitters service provided a prac- tical answer to the old question quis custodiet custodes?
The winners below receive £12 each and the bonus bottle of Pedro Domecq's Carlos III Selected Brandy is the property of Ron Jowker.
'With these new prairie fields, of course,' went on scarecrow-trusser Yeobright, indicating the unique family workshop, a wattle-and-daub lean-to in Pocks Lane, Melbury Bubb, 'Worzels, as we call them, have to be bigger. To make an impression on the rooks and like. Mind you, I still get some call for the old allotment Bugaboo model with black hessian smock and straw chump (that's head to you), and skeleton in low- diameter ash. They were popular back in the Nineties. I'm selling a few Ogres, too. My great- uncle invented them, the ones on a pivot — creak as they move, very clever — starlings loathe them; we use seasoned hornbeam for the skeleton, better than ash, and the chump's papier mache. But it's the Gorgon the industrial farmer's after: sixteen foot high, reinforced two- by-one sub-frame, with PVC carapace and lurex chump. I import the lurex from South Korea,' he added, with a shrug. (Ron Jowker)
Ta-ta Ltd undertakes to say goodbye on behalf of clients who have neither the time nor the in- clination to perform the ceremony themselves. Our expert staff are equipped with the clothes, phrases and behaviour-patterns appropriate for all occasions, ranging from a funeral valediction to a celebratory quayside send-off, or even the light but firm dismissal required when a brief ac- quaintance has run its natural course. On your behalf, they have mastered the heartfelt hug, the parting jest, the long, slow, waving retreat. Whether the goodbye is final (the 'Ave et Vale') or temporary (the 'Abyssinia') the recipient is guaranteed to feel the same, or even stronger emotions than if you had been present yourself. Our rule is that our staff never board any transport involved. In the only instance when this was infringed — Mr Purvis accompanied a Miss Rothschild to Rome and subsequently mar- ried her — the employee was instantly dismissed.
(Margaret Mary) I am a story-teller on the railways. They hire me mostly for long journeys in holiday periods, dur- ing which children get bored. I have a compart- ment at the back of the train with a sticker on the window depicting an open book; which is wrong, because I never read stories, I invent them. Sometimes I wear period costume, for example a beadle's or a court jester's; sometimes a nightcap, pyjamas and dressing-gown. The children come to me to hear stories about kidnap and rescue, toys that come alive, imps in bottles, princesses in towers, kingdoms hidden behind waterfalls. Sometimes, when there are too many of them, they take it in turns. Each story lasts a stop, and costs a certain amount. When I am really busy I take bookings in advance, for exam- ple from Andover to Salisbury, or Montrose to Arbroath.
(J. C. Lamb) VIP Look-Alikes Inc. exists to help those who appreciate the social advantages of hobnobbing with the elite. To be seen to be known by the rich and famous may be an unattainable goal but our fully trained and experienced team of VIP role- players will provide the next best thing. We supp- ly guests for the intimate or formal dinner party, a theatre visit, a sports meeting, or even a country-house weekend. You may select your guests from our four categories representing the eminent in the worlds of the theatre, politics, sport and learning. Our de-luxe service provides look-alike members of the nobility. Charges are necessarily high, owing to the large research staff employed to ensure that our role-players are con- vincing as to style, dress and manner and to en- sure that they are never confronted by their real- life counterparts.
(Patricia Stockbridge) His late Lordship was given to writing arithmetic books. He was a very particular gentleman and liked everything checked. When it came to sums like 'If A walks at four miles an hour and B follows on a bike at ten miles an hour after 20 minutes when will B catch A?' or sums where you have taps filling cisterns or men digging tren- ches at particular rates, he always required prac- tical proof of the answer. And it was always me, being reliable, that had to act as A, and others from the estate did B and C as required. And Milord named me as his Mathematician's Labourer, which you see on my cards to this day. And if I can't be fixed up with like employment, it's on the dole I stay.
(Ralph Sadler)
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