Second opinion
IF I had to choose between spending an evening in the company of a Cabinet minister or that of a taxi driver, I should unhesitatingly choose the latter. How much broader is the experience of a taxi driver than that of a Cabinet minister, who in all probability has devoted his life to the pursuit of office — a miserably narrow business at best. Taxi drivers, on the other hand, are fine judges of human character — they have to be, because they must tell at a glance which would-be passenger might prove dangerous to them or fail to pay his fare at the end of a journey. No such responsibility devolves upon Cabinet ministers.
When our plumber called the other day to mend a cistern I was very pleased, therefore, that he decided afterwards to relate some of his experiences to us. We had first met him through the Yellow Pages, when, on Christmas Eve, our heating system most inconveniently broke down. We had little choice but to call on one of the plumbing companies which advertise a 24-hour-per-day, 365- day-per-year service, and likewise to pay whatever was asked. A lack of heat on Christmas Eve is, after all, the domestic equivalent of a heart attack.
He arrived at nine in the evening. He told us that, of the £65 per hour we were charged for his labour, he received £26 per hour less income tax and national insurance, plus £7.50 indemnity insur- ance per job performed. When he left, two hours later, he told us that he pre- ferred to be paid by cheque or credit card, because if he were paid cash the company for which he worked would deduct income tax and national insur- ance from his pay without passing it on to the Revenue. His somewhat unusual request not to be paid in cash was there- fore his small revenge upon the company.
We suggested to him that he strike out on his own, as we could give him quite a lot of work, and would recommend him to others. (We knew he was honest our dog took to him at once, and he is a better judge of character even than taxi drivers.) The plumber took our advice and has been working for himself ever since. It is cheaper for his customers and he is much better paid.
He told us the other day that it wasn't only the Revenue whom the company for which he had once worked cheated unmercifully. The customers were robbed blind as a matter of company policy. For example, the plumbers were enjoined never to carry spare parts with them, but always to fetch them from a supplier's, thus extending the time each job took to complete. If the worst came to the worst, and no spare parts were required, the plumbers were to pretend that spare parts were nevertheless required and then wait around the cor- ner in their vans for up to an hour, charging the time to the unfortunate cus- tomer.
If a job was straightforward, it was to be declared fiendishly difficult. If neces- sary, the plumbers were actively to carry out sabotage, by removing screws, valves and so forth. They were to take no mercy on pensioners who trembled lest the job take more than an hour, and thus con- sume their meagre savings. It was a com- pany requirement that jobs should last on average three hours, with labour charges of not less than £195 plus VAT. The great ally of the crooked plumbing company is the general public's complete ignorance of plumbing.
I need hardly add that, as a member of the medical profession, none of this struck the faintest chord. Such methods, I am glad to say, are completely alien to the liberal and learned professions.
Theodore Dalrymple
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