An Aptitude Test for Christmas

AFTERTHOUGHT

By JOHN WELLS

READERS are invited to study the following paragraphs, and to immerse themselves imaginatively in the given situations before reach- ing their solution. Members of MENSA and those accustomed to answering the intelligence tests printed in the popular press should note that there is no time limit and that a quick reasoning ability is not enough. Indicate which answer you consider most appropriate, and then consult the key.

You are staying with friends and are unaware of the exact date. At midnight you are lying in bed half-asleep when there is a scrabbling in the chimney and a heavy fall of soot, closely followed by a dull thud and a rattle of fire-irons. Some moments later a muffled voice makes an obscene remark. Turning on the light you discover a total stranger of advanced age and wearing a curious costume sitting awkwardly in the fireplace. He seems confused. As he picks himself up and begins to make his unsteady way towards the door, leaving a trail of melting snow and wet soot across the carpet and muttering further obscenities to himself under his breath, you (1) seize up the poker and hit him a heavy thwack over the back of the head with it before rousing your friends and ringing the police, (2) offer him a glass of brandy and assist him to the drawing-room, questioning him un- obtrusively about his ambitions and way of life, or (3) shut your eyes very tightly and creep back to bed again, feeling about for one of your discarded socks and hooking it on the bedpost.

*

IT is Christmas Eve. During the day you have been working at the office, trying in your own small way to boost exports and to put the economy on its feet again. You have been seriously hampered by the absence of your staff, all of whom appear to have been struck down with influenza or suddenly bereaved. You feel too that your efforts to make contact with firms both here and in Europe have been hindered by telephone operators who throughout the day have called you darling or my old fruit against a background of raucous singing and the clink of bottles and who have then connected you with subscribers you had not intended to talk to. On leaving the office you find yourself standing on a slide on the icy pavement made by frolicking

children in little woollen hats with pompons on and brightly coloured woollen mittens. One of the children calls out in an offensive manner, draw- ing attention to your bulk and cautious step. You turn to remonstrate, but feel your feet slipping from under you and fall heavily on one elbow. Arriving home from the casualty ward with one arm in plaster, you find the same group of chil- dren gathered by chance outside your front door. You pass them with dignity, and are about to close the door on them when they begin singing breathlessly and out of tune: 'We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

We all like your figgy pudding SO BRING SOME our HERE.'

You (1) give a roar of uninhibited rage and fling yourself on the mites, flailing about you with your uninjured arm, (2) make a few dryly critical remarks about their performance, and suggest that further re- hearsal would meet with greater commercial success, or (3) shake your head wistfully, allow a tear or two to trickle down your old cheek, toddle down the steps in a genial manner patting heads and ruefully pinching cheeks, and distribute half- crowns, murmuring Happy Christmas.

You are a shepherd abiding in a field, keeping watch o'er your flocks by night. You have just taken over from your colleague, Ebenezer, who is now lying on his back by the fire snoring and blowing little ruffles in his moustache as he does so. You yourself have spent the evening in the 'Goat and Whistle,' and tingle pleasantly in the cold night air after a number of mugs of vintage cider. You notice, droopy-eyed, that the dusky landscape beneath the stars has a tendency to billow and flap, and are more than usually con- scious of the rotation of the earth on its axis. Ebenezer is now making chomping noises with his mouth and calling incoherently for some childhood sweetheart. You are just attempting to work out how much you will have earned by the morning at your present hourly rate when you are suddenly aware of a great light and a multitude of the Heavenly Host, singing in un- earthly harmony and addressing certain remarks to you. You (1) cover your eyes with one hand and resolve to give up the scrumpy, (2) stand up and attempt to engage the celestial spokesman in a shouted conversation until you can kick Ebenezer awake, or (3) rejoice, waken Ebenezer, tell him what you have seen and urge him to assist you in carrying out the messenger's instructions.

•

DRIVEN out of your home by the outrageous behaviour of your younger relatives who insist on you standing with your arms slightly lifted from your sides while they festoon you with tinsel and stand a fairy on your head, and the bluff in- sensitivity of the older members of the family who have forced you to join in a charade repre- senting an eight-syllable German word, you find yourself in a Soho bar. There is a sustained roar of good talk and vulgar laughter, and a mini- skirted nymphet has linked her arms round your neck and is kissing you with reckless enthusiasm. Large glasses of brandy stand gleaming on the polished table-top, and Norman, the Jewish land- lord, is bandying good-natured abuse with his guests. Claud Cockburn is present for some reason, and is regaling a delighted bar with im- peccably-timed anecdotes of the glorious past. You observe a pale-faced man at your elbow. He nudges you, hands you a tract, and observes that this sort of thing is all very well, but that it's very easy, isn't it, to forget the true meaning of Christmas and the seed of new life that is born beneath the dark earth. You

(1) empty a neighbour's beer over his head, (2) point out that you will give more thought to that at another time but that at the moment you have no intention of interrupting his Christ- mas meditations further, or (3) strike your fist against your heart, abandon the nymphet, the brandy and the bar and stagger conscience-stricken to the nearest televised carol service.

*

You are lying in an armchair suffering from acute indigestion. The room is full of stale cigar smoke and the smell of coffee growing cold in aban- doned cups. You take another peppermint and refocus your eyes on the television screen. Hughie Green has just smiled knowingly into the camera with that indefinable twinkle of Christian good will in his eye, rubbing his hands and twitching his head, and has introduced Cliff Richard, who is singing 'Silent Night.' An unseen choir is vocalising in accompaniment, and you are struck by the look of absolute sincerity on Cliff Richard's face as he sings. The song ends, Hughie Green comes on again and says 'But seriously everyone,

it's nice to have a laugh and a bit of fun, but at Christmas it's good to be serious for just a moment, isn't it,' and introduces David Whit- field to sing 'Away in a Manger.' The programme comes to an end, and a panel game begins in which Eamonn Andrews, Franklin Engelman. Freddy Grisewood, and David Jacobs have to guess what Robert Robinson is doing behind a screen. You

(1) turn off the set, leave the house and go for a ten-mile walk,

(2) turn over to the other channel, where David Frost is talking to an old lady of ninety-four who is being given her Christmas dinner by Rediffusion at a holly-decked table on the studio floor, and remain watching it, or

(3) wonder at the wit and wisdom of the panel. at the sincerity and honest-to-goodness decency of singers and television personalities who are prepared to give up their Christmas day to appear on the recorded programme.

(The key appears on Page 814)

A Christmas Aptitude Test

(Key to questions on page 812)

ANSWERS numbered (1), (2) and (3) count one, two or three marks respectively. The total score may be interpreted as,follows : Score 5-7.—Should ideally spend Christmas be- hind the Iron Curtain or in Moslem or Buddhist community. Failing this, lock all doors and windows, disconnect television, telephone and radio, lie under sunlamp with gramophone play- ing Hawaiian music and reading A Rebours.

Score 8-11.—Try to remember that Christmas isn't just a time for going to church and loving your neighbour, but is also a time for eating too much, drinking too much and making more Money.

Score 12-15.

A Merry Christmas, that's my prayer With bags of Yuletide fun And may the New Year, come whate'er, Turn out a happy one.