23 FEBRUARY 1991, Page 40

High life

Smoke signals

Taki

John McCone, ex-head of the CIA, cold warrior par excellence and a friend of my father's, was also a good story-teller. While Pope John XXIII lay dying in 1962, John F. Kennedy bet McCone $100 that the White House would be the first to know the 'Oh, sorry, sorry, you're my first customer. I've only worked here six weeks.' moment his holiness passed away. 'With all due respect, Mr President,' said McCone, 'we will know before you as we have a man right in there with the Pope.' He meant one of the cardinals was also working for the agency. The bet was made.

After a week or so, with a CIA agent posted nearby with field glasses waiting for the signal, it suddenly came. McCone immediately called the President. 'You owe me $100, Mr President,' said the chief of the CIA. 'No, you owe it to me, John,' answered JFK, and he was right. It seems Kennedy used his Catholic influence with the powers that be within the Vatican and a false signal was given to the spooks. McCone paid up and two days later the Pope died. I imagine it was Kennedy's way of showing McCone who was boss.

My daddy and McCone had a slight falling out when the giant ITT company, of which he was a director, tried to pull a fast one on my old man. Daddy fought them and beat them in the Greek courts. He nev- ertheless always spoke highly of the top spook. They were united by their virulent anti-communism. And speaking of the most God-awful system ever invented by man, I gave a ball last year to celebrate its collapse. Now I ain't so sure. In fact, I'm already starting to look around for the next venue for a party, because the monster is still wriggling. We could even be back to square one, if the Soviets don't withdraw their forces from Central Europe. That should make the Cockburns of this world happy, but it will only be a respite. Sooner Or later evil people as well as evil systems collapse from within, and that goes for the hacks who support them, too. And I hope to be around to celebrate once and for all.

Mind you, there hasn't been much cele- bration lately, and rightly so. Only David Linley seems to be enjoying himself, but he'd be useless in the desert, so why not? Fergie and that Michael of Kent woman may prove to be useful as water-carriers, but then I don't believe women should be in the armed forces. They should be nurses and troop entertainers, or possibly hookers, but never soldiers. The Americans use women as soldiers, while on the other hand they issue daily warnings to US citizens not to fly. Wouldn't it make more sense if Yankee women were not allowed to join the army and American men were forced to fly and keep their business appointments during a crisis? Of course it would. So don't forget to bring your white feathers to Wimbledon next June if the ghastly McEnroe ever gets the courage to come over. McEnroe has really shown his true colours this time. He abuses and screams at helpless old lady linesmen, but trembles at the thought of flying over the ocean. Not even Linley could be accused of that.

Not that I'm much better. I'm still wait- ing for an Iraqi visa, which Mr Godot has promised me, and my next step is the Kurds. But I shall most probably go off to Gstaad and wait for my visa in style.