PURE HIGHLAND MALT nrorcH

COMPETITION

.1111KY

Dear Mary .

Jaspistos

In Competition No. 1728 you were in- vited to compose a question and answer, of a grotesque or eccentric nature, for inclu- sion in our 'Dear Mary' column.

`Dear Mary,' I would have liked to have been able to write 20 years ago, 'what do you do when you are invited to dinner by a sweet, idealistic, puritan, left-wing, elderly couple who turn out to be vegetarian, non-smoking teetotallers and who offer no alcohol or ashtrays to a carnivorous, chain- smoking, hard-drinking guest?' I think even the ingenious Mary would have been stumped. My own crude solution was to leave at ten and have a second, even worse dinner at the nearest steak-house.

My word 'grotesque' prompted one very odd question from Peter Comaish: 'I am distraught. My beautifully manicured lawn has been spoiled. Some miscreant has been leaving fingers, toes, teeth, ears and noses on it. They are often tinged red and have a frightful effect on my colour scheme. What should I do?' In this case Mary, uncharac- teristically, failed to come up to scratch.

The prizewinners, printed below, get £20 each. The bad luck goes to Brian Coates. And the bonus bottle of Aberlour Single Malt whisky goes to Basil Ransome-Davies for his logical 'shocker'.

Q. My husband likes to think of himself as a hearty, natural sort of man with few inhibitions. To underline the point, he will frequently eructate in public, often accompanying the act with expressive shaking movements of his leg and comments such as 'Better out than in!' Worse still, he is a vegetarian. Few of our friends find his behaviour amusing, and I fear we are in danger of social ostracism. Is there any way in which I can cure him of this habit? Straightforward reproaches have no effect.

A. As your husband is evidently deaf to civilised pleas and lacks the self-awareness to understand the offence his conduct gives, exemplary methods are called for. Only by being disgusted himself will he learn to recognise the disgust and embarrassment he causes. Therefore you should aim to outdo him in the naturalness stakes. Choose some semi-formal social occasion (pre- ferably having primed your guests or hosts

beforehand) and masturbate in front of every- one. When you are finished, exclaim 'God, that's a relief!', 'Nothing beats DIY!', or some such phrase. In all probability, he will get the message; if he doesn't, I am afraid you are in serious trouble and should contemplate divorce.

(Basil Ransome-Davies)

Q. An old friend recently came to dinner wearing round his neck the honour he received some years ago for distinguished public service. Though not the man he was in other ways, he remains the soul of modesty. We have no objection to the wearing of medals during meals but it is all too easy to imagine the mirth he might cause among people who are less fond of him than we are. How are we to prevent this? In his inebriated state he seemed unaware that the thing kept dangling into his food.

A. Invite him again and when he appears wearing his gong, say, `Ah, I see you too are an Ova!tiny. I mislaid my badge some years ago but what better way of making it known one no longer touches the stuff?' This means that you too will have to endure a non-alcoholic evening, but perhaps the price is worth paying.

(Charles Chadwick)

Q. How should I greet a chance acquaintance with whom I spent the night recently, but whose name has escaped me? On the Embassy cocktail circuit it is most embarrassing to run into someone whose face (and other features) one recognises, but whose name one never knew.

DS, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

A. It is acceptable to use a casual greeting in such circumstances, such as 'Haven't we met somewhere before?', which may be received as a pleasantry. The difficulty comes when one needs to introduce such acquaintances to a third party. Try a formula such as 'I'm sure you two know each other already?' or 'If I could leave you in each other's capable hands, I must go and see X . . .' This should deal with people whose acquaintance you no longer have use for; alternatively, should you wish to continue rela- tions, try fixing their eyes meaningfully and saying, 'I'll see you later, I hope.'

(Charles Hadfield)

Q. Following a short illness, my great-aunt Drusilla has died at the age of 97. In her will she generously provided me with the means to enjoy a holiday after many years of genteel poverty. I had planned to take a lady friend to Egypt but a demand for jury service has arrived to coincide with the date of our departure. It appears that a holiday booking is insufficient excuse for exemp- tion from this civic duty. How can I save my romance and our holiday?

A. Write to the Chief Clerk and say that you will be absolutely delighted to participate in the judicial process because it will give you a long-awaited opportunity to get those thieving, recidivist, crooked bastards behind bars where they belong. Add that, as far as you are concerned, there's no smoke without fire, and that anyone appearing in court must be guilty.

(David Griffin)

Q. Smoking a new, costly briar pipe while using the Gents' loo in a smart hotel, I inadvertently allowed it to fall into the urinal. I was inhibited from retrieving it through innate fastidiousness, lest someone saw me performing such an undig- nified act, and on hygienic grounds. So I left hurriedly. I now much regret my loss. Could I have done differently?

A. Yes, you could. Your problem has numerous precedents. In the absence of cloakroom staff, you should have waited until another man appeared. He would have found you sighing as you gazed at the pipe in its watery grave. He would enquire about your predicament. You explain that the pipe has great sentimental value, a gift from your recently deceased mother. Unfortunately, arthritis makes it im- possible for you to reach it. The stranger fishes it out, to your profound thanks. As to hygiene, you wash the pipe, dry and polish it. Some authorities recommend treating the bowl with rum antiseptically. Also optional is mouthpiece replacement.

(John Doxat)