YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary.. .
Q. For some years, Bob and I have happily shared a pew at morning service. It is ideal- ly situated and is the only one to seat two comfortably, three squashed, in the centre aisle. Bob is in his late seventies. Both our wives are in the choir. We now have an insensitive cuckoo, who not only precedes us but has the distracting habit of sniffing loudly and letting his slip-on shoes drop off with a noisy clack. How can we politely sug- gest alternative seating, when of course none is reserved?
D.A., Bucks A. One sure way of getting rid of people is to borrow money from them. You and Bob should try this method. When the collec- tion plate comes round, leer at the cuckoo and whisper a request that he lend you both some money as you have forgotten your wallets. Two weeks of this should be enough to see him off to another pew, after which time you can repay the loan.
Q. I have a 68-year- )1d daily lady twice a week. She is generally marvellous but she does do a few things I am not happy about. These include putting antique glass in the washing-machine (I have already told her not to once) and helping herself to gin while we are out. My husband says I am a walk-over and must put my foot down but I know she is very touchy and the sort of per- son who would take offence and hand in her notice if criticised. I don't think it is wil- ful negligence, I think she has just forgotten about the glass. As for the gin, I think she thinks we don't notice. Yet of course we do as neither of us drinks gin and we just have it in for friends. How should I tackle her about these and other deficien- cies?
A. de Z., Godalming, Surrey A. Wait until your daily has not been for a day or two and some washing-up has built up. Use some antique glass, then put it next to the sink with a huge notice attached addressed to your husband. Let's say his name is Anthony. Let the notice read: `ANTHONY — ON NO ACCOUNT PUT THE ANTIQUE GLASS IN THE MACHINE. PLEASE WASH IT UP BY HAND.' Equally, in your drink cupboard, you can leave a Sellotaped notice on the gin bottle saying: 'ANTHONY — PLEASE DO NOT USE ANY MORE GIN.' Leave a few more notices around which will give authenticity by accusing your husband of crimes he is gen- uinely guilty of: 'ANTHONY — PLEASE SHUT THE SHED WINDOWS' etcetera. In this way, your daily will take in the instructions without taking personal offence.
Mary Killen
If you have a problem, please write to 'Dear Mary, The Spectator, 56 Doughty Street, London, WCIN 2LL.
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