COMPETITION

Oddball cast

Jaspistos

In Competition No. 1613 you were given the names of BeachcoMber's 12 red- bearded dwarfs and asked to provide au- thor's descriptions of six of them, as dramatis personae of a play.

To make room for a splendid set of winners, I'll confine myself to only two remarks. First, it was astonishing how many of you saw the characters as Old Etonians (Scorpion de Rooftrouser, invari- ably villainous, was an Old Reptonian, though). Secondly, please would gifted competitors; like Beverley Strauss, for their own sake keep to the word-limit. The Prizewinners printed below get £13 each, and the bonus bottle of Mercier Brut champagne, kindly presented by Cham- pagne Mercier, is Bill Wellenger's.

Cleveland Zackhouse: A thin, saturnine woman, governess to the Merrybody child, fond of biting remarks about hygiene, sanitation, and certain branches of Higher Mathematics. Edeledel Edel: The chambermaid, a stout- hearted and strapping woman, whose happy, careless manner when performing humble domestic chores makes feathers fly — some- times literally — with enchanting frequency. .Frums Gillygottle: The husky housekeeper, keys Jangling seductively over a spotless apron, whose impersonations of Tallulah Bankhead and Marlene Dietrich bring staff parties to a standstill. She drinks from a silver hip-flask, and breaks occasionally into mysterious hilarity. Listenis Youghaupt: The elderly cook, a wizened figure whose chronic tubercular cough interrupts kitchen conversation. She is stone deaf. Molonay Tubilderborst: The irrepressibly garru- lous nanny, who affects to understand no English, and who is liable to sob when mention is made of pillows, underclothing and older men.

Farjole Merrybody: The silent, brooding and murderous eight-year-old daughter of the mis- tress. (Will Bellenger) The characters in 'The Montreux Tontine' are all middle-aged, filthy-rich expatriates, linked only by mutual detestation. Only one survives the final curtain.

Scorpion de Rooftrouser: Former male model, now fashion tycoon. Waspishly astringent. Ac- cent oscillates between Mayfair and Millwall. Has had face lifted 14 times. Cleveland Zackhouse: Son of Alabaman Bap- tists. Ex-Olympic champion, now run moun- tainously to fat. Known as 'Mr Steroid'. Egre- giously lewd, loud, bluff, back-slapping.

Frums Gillygottle: A wee, fey, willowy sprite of a woman, whose fortune derives from global syndication of uplifting sub-Ayres verse column. Eternal wistful smile. A reinforced-steel bitch. Edeledel Edel: Moronic heir of deceased Zurich 'Gnome'. Sole passions — yodelling and cultiva- tion of hideous alpines. Of ethereal appearance. Listenis Youghaupt: International brothel-king of mixed Connemaran and Thuringian descent. Whimsically earnest. Resembles portentous leprechaun.

Badly Oronparser: A cold, obese, bald Bait of enigmatic background. Terrifying whinnying laugh. Deploys platinum-rimmed pince-nez to bloodcurdling effect. (Martin Fagg)

Sophus Barkayo-Tong: Korean mud-wrestler, extremely large, 20 stone or more if possible, but is an intellectual as well. In the bath-house scene discusses the history of the mind with — Listenis Youghaupt: Albanian monk, very small, spare frame, bird-like. High-pitched nervous laugh. Sat upon by Tong in final scene, so must be strong as well.

Scorpion de Rooftrouser: 'The third' when anyone addresses him. New Yorker. Shady financial adviser. Tall, thin, red beard.

Cleveland Zackhouse: Typical American wise guy. A complete bore. Running to fat, sweaty, glasses, beard. Fast becoming an alcoholic. Infuriates everyone.

Edeledel Edel: Private detective. Chain smokes. Speaks through clenched mouth with eyes half- closed. Grey complexion. Weary. Strong death- wish. Drinks heavily, Frums Gillygottle: Edel's secretary. Madly in love with him. Transvestite. Looks like a top model but has bass voice. Cries most of the time. (Jeremy Carlisle) Sophus Barkayo-Tong: Sarawak timber mer- chant of Malay-Chinese origin. Ruthlessly un- caring in his exploitation of the Borneo rain- forests for the Japanese mahogany trade. Guttergorm Guttergormpton; A complete dip- lomatic aberration. The Foreign Office omitted to recall him in 1953. The jungle reverberates with his galah-like laughter. Wire-rimmed sello- taped spectacles and knee-length shorts. Cleveland Zackhouse: Young handsome Amer- ican anthropologist in search of remaining peo- ples of the Bzoing. Arch-enemy of Sophus, Listenis Youghhaupt: Greenpeace activist and part-time Lithuanian extremist, Listenis often chains himself to trees under threat. Writes excruciating eco-poetry.

Edeledel Edel: Only known survivor of the Bzoing tribe, His name derives from the difficul- ty he experiences in talking with a clay plate stuck in his bottom lip.

Amaninter Axling: Tall, blonde Danish Christ- ian Aid worker in love with Cleveland. Arnanin-

ter is the only one who says she understands Edeledel Edel. (David Oliver)

Frums Gillygottle: UN Ambassador and father of Zinnia, a movie starlet known as 'the Thros- tle' for her throaty accomplishments and her sun-speckled breasts.

Cleveland Zackhouse: Beat poet and action artist now turned `green troubadour' who is in love with Zinnia — and real ale.

Farjole Merrybody: Sex-change success who has buried her past and now leads a new life as a TV chat show host. Formerly Mrs Gillygottle and mother of Zinnia.

Scorpion de Rooftrouser: South African entre- preneur moving from arms into bodies as a porn movie mogul — in search of a new star.

Amaninter Axling: Afrikaaner freebooter, now Personal Protection Officer to Scorpion de Rooftrouser. Suffers from personal freshness problem which 'Boss' does nothing to alleviate. Churm Rincewind: Freudian analyst who at some time has treated all the others. Acts as narrator, providing a rationale for their aberrant

behaviour. (Dick Penderring)

Farjole Merrybady: Breezy millionaire philan- thropist. Life President of the National League of Superoptimists'. Spends his spare time devis- ing peace formulas for Yorkshire County Crick- et Club.

Badly Oronparser: Freelance business consul- tant. Smooth, cultivated appearance. Usually carries ore samples in his pocket. Also sells

18th-century postage stamps.

Guttergorm Guttergormpton: Valet of above, small, furtive, ratlike. Takes Jeeves as his model, but is hampered by adenoids and a low

IQ.

Churm Rincewind: Revolutionary theologian, creator of Rincewind's Relativity Model', which purports to prove that life simultaneously exists and fails to exist. Red nose, lurching gait.

Ustenis Youghaupt: Curvaceous blonde, mis- tress of Oronparser. Secret Animal Rights activist. Keeps three mink and two ocelot coats to fool the police.

Scorpion de Rooftrouser: Fashionable nutrition- ist. Author of The 90-Day Watercress Diet Plan and Use and Abuse of Kiwi Fruit. Thin,