YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary. .
Q. At a recent dinner party, a man sitting next to my husband sneezed explosively and splashily over my husband's pudding. He felt obliged to continue to eat, but would wel- come your advice on how best to deal with a problem like this in the future, without embarrassing either hostess or fellow guests. E.H. Kilmakolm, Renfrewshire.
A. Thank you for your query. The correct procedure would have been for your hus- band to have knocked his glass of wine into his pudding, thus rendering it impossible for him to eat. A considerate diner, having sneezed over a neighbour's plate, might even take the initiative and boldly knock the wine over that plate himself.
Q. It has become necessary for me to rent a wing of my 'historic' house for holiday lets. Although the whole attraction of the house is its uniquely bookish and Bohemian atmosphere and its association with mem- bers of the Bloomsbury group, it is unfortu- nately impossible to admit self-catering guests into the wing without first enlighten- ing them as to the numerous little 'systems' and 'knacks' for operating various pieces of machinery, wood-burning stoves etc. I am aware that the 'Bohemian' atmosphere might well be spoiled if officious little notices are displayed all over the place but on the other hand I fear catastrophe may strike if they are not. What do you suggest?
Name and address withheld.
A. Write the officious notices but do so in old-fashioned copperplate handwriting in fountain pen, scratching them onto plain postcards. Then distress the postcards with the aid of specks of water, dog-earing, and finally by roasting them slightly over your wood-burning stove. This will give the notices themselves an historic Bohemian aspect and, should you manage to make their messages slightly witty or wacky as well, they will strike onlookers as quaint rather than officious.
Q. How can I enliven my dinner parties? I am always rigid with nerves when guests arrive and can't think what to say to anyone. P.W., Shaftesbury.
A. Why not stimulate your guests on arrival with a demonstration of a Dyson vacuum cleaner? A surprisingly small number of Britons have any experience of this super- sucker and people are always delighted and enthralled to witness the huge amounts of detritus that can be wolfed up by the drunk cyclone machine and then displayed in its see-through frontal chamber. The demon- stration will set any party swinging as guests anticipate the great pleasure in store for them for the rest of their lives — or at least till the novelty wears off — of using a Dyson machine in their own home and see- ing their own detritus despatched in such a gratifying manner.
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