There is No Substitute

Onta I e lines ines of the rhyming advertisements ending 'There is no substitute for wool,' competitors were invited to voice the views of the Old Guard of the Open Fire in not more than 16 lines of verse, ending: 'There is no substitute for coal.'

I thought that the hundred or so competitors Who championed coal were genuinely sincere, I Should despair of the progress of the Clean Air Act. Happily, they were not—not, at any rate, most of them. One even confessed that his heart Was not in it. May 1 say at the outset that the high 9uality of so many entries has been my despair in awarding prizes? A guinea each for thirty entrants would not be extravagant, if the prize money were unlimited. Unfortunately, it isn't and 1 had to find little quibbling faults in at least tWenty-four of them. To begin with, it was plain that many were unfamiliar with the model, and the verses submitted were consequently of all Shapes. Naturally, 1 favoured those who knew the Inodel or took the trouble to get to know it. Here, anyhow, is a sample of the wool advertisement Isom the tube station wall :

Fair Venus surfaced from the spray And not much work was done that day.

The Elders came; they turned quite pink : They coughed and said : 'We really think Some well-placed wool would do no harm; Indeed, it might enhance your charm. Besides—you'll find the nights are cool:

There is no substitute for wool.'

I disqualified entrants like Vera Telfer, who Was opposed to the use of coal, and also another Fompetitor, who finished up half-heartedly: • . . on the whole/There is no substitute for coal.' But 1 have no space to list all the motes in competitors' eyes, nor even to comment on the numerous and widely different reasons for defending coal.

In the final selection, I demanded humour : too many of the entries were solemnly serious, which I do not think appropriate when it is obvious that there are, in fact, many substitutes for coal. Wild extravagance and amusing anachronisms seemed to me what the subject required; and topicality did no harm, either. I award a guinea each to Eileen Tulloch, Guy Hadley, G. J. Blundell, Mrs. V. R. Ormerod, R. A. McKenzie and Elwyn Hodkin. If there had been a seventh guinea it would have gone to Eva McClellan.

Runners-up were J. W. Symes, J. A. Lindon, Eddie C., James G. Logan, Robin A. Henderson, I. M. Connor, A. W. Dicker, R. B. Browning, L. Kendall and Leslie Johnson (not to mention a good many others). PRIZES

(EILEEN TULLOCH)

At The Deluxe Hotel a suite Was taken for the King of Crete, When he arrived the staff were told The wretched man had caught a cold; His Chamberlain espied a fire— Electrical, and murmured : 'Sire, I beg Your Majesty to sit Before this heater for a bit.' But after sitting for an hour The King retorted sadly : 'Our Majestic front is very hot,

But Our posterior is not!

We like a fire that warms the air Around Our person everywhere.' His Majesty attained his goal : There is no substitute for coal!

(GUY HADLEY)

Take warning from the horrid fate Of secret agent Four-Six-Eight.

He stole the Russian nuclear plan From somewhere deep in Kazakstan, And safely in his Mayfair flat, He thought : 'I'll make ,ny pile from that!' But hearing snow-boots at the door, He seized the precious scroll and swore That come what might, he'd not return it. To save himself, he thought he'd burn it. Alas, the room had miles of wire, Convectors, heaters, but NO FIRE. . . . The Reds despatched him, sad to tell, And 468 went straight to hell,

Where Satan murmured, from his hole,

`THERE IS NO SUBSTITUTE FOR COAL.' (G. J. BLUNDELL)

When good Sir Edmund, Arctic hero, Saw that the temperature was zero, 'Come, lads,' he said, 'we've reached our goal; Let's turn the heat on at the Pole!'

'Sir,' cried his team, 'we're far from Ohm; Hot-plates are not for those who roam. And as for all the paraffin, It's frozen solid in the tin!'

Sir Edmund laughed : 'Why, in this sack—

You didn't know?—that, on my back, I've borne these weary days and nights, Are scuttlefuls of Derby Brights.

With these we'll soon build up a fire, And make Jack Frost a blazing pyre.

For warmth at home and at the Pole There is no substitute for coal.'

(MRS. V. R. ORMEROD)

My Uncle Fred once made a bungle; He lost his bearings in the jungle ' And was to his unbounded grief Led captive by a native chief. As Uncle Fred was plump and sweet The tribe thought he'd be nice to eat; They put him in a great big urn But could not get the wood to burn. Then Uncle, always good and kind, Leaned out and said, 'Bear this in mind, When heating up a casserole

There is no substitute for coal.'

(a. A. MCKENZIE)

When, after certain chilly weeks, Good Dr. Fuchs arrived, with cheeks, Though smiling, whipped by wind and frost. He said that nothing had been lost Of any real importance : all His party (needing overhaul), With scientific instruments, Plus food and petrol, furs and tents, Were still—oh, more or less—intact, As well as fourteen tractors stacked (And here reporters' eyes grew bright) With kitchen nuts and anthracite Laughed Fuchs, for once not taciturn : 'Snowflakes and blizzards cto not burn! To roast a penguin at the Pole There is no substitute for coal.'

(ELWYN BODKIN)

'Pray why does Shadrach shiver so?' Said Meshach to Abednego.

`No heat-wave has made him perspire Since he'enioyed the furnace fire.' Quoth Shaarach, 'Since my late demise My feet have been like blocks of ice. Hell's brimstone fire may burn my soul But there's no substitute for coal.'

COM MENDED

(EVA MCCLELLAN)

When interviewed on ITV Britannus Victor inquit : 'We Triumphant British Gladiators Don't hold with all these radiators. No doughty Ancient Briton loves Electric fires, convector stoves. The seven smokeless zones of Rome Just ain't the same as home sweet home.

Your central heating can't inspire The will to fight : to light the fire Which blazes in each British soul, There is no substitute for coal.'