Your Problems Solved
Dear Maly Q. I am a fan of The Archers but my listening pleasure always dips whenever one of the villagers makes the offer of 'a coffee' to another Ambridge resident. I feel the producers of the soap are failing to serve their loyal audience as it deserves, and are also missing an audio trick in that they persistently omit any information about the nature of the beverage provided even though we live in a very caffeine-conscious age. For example, I would expect the Grundys to be a Nescafe family and the Aldridges users of cafetieres, but there is never the happy sound of beans being ground in Jennifer's Aga kitchen, and meanwhile Ruth, who is always bringing refreshments to Deevid on his tractor, would presumably have a Thermos, but again, we are never told! How can I obtain release from my tortured aural imaginings whenever 'a coffee' is mentioned on the show?
RJ., Exmoor A. Many Archers listeners will agree with you. But before the producers rush to correct this lapse in authenticity they might consider whether the current mania for coffee consumption in this country should be encouraged. Britons have become notably more nervous, excitable and irritable since caffeinisation came in, roughly nine years ago. Why are the Archers characters not showing a moral lead by opting instead for nice hot cups of calming and reassuring British tea?
Q. A close friend has had some sort of non-surgical facelift and looks 20 if not 30 years younger, although still with a full repertoire of facial expressions and absolutely none of the paralysis of Botox. What is annoying is that she will not admit she has had anything done at all, claiming the transformation is entirely due to her being 'more relaxed'. I find this insulting to my intelligence. How can I force a confession out of her?
A.S., Dublin A. Next time you see your friend why not catch her out by complimenting her on her appearance then adding 'Just as well you haven't had anything done. Did you hear that scare on the news today about non-surgical lifts?' Make sure you are sitting opposite her when you deliver this bombshell, then you can sit back and register her facial reactions before cackling 'Only joking!'
Q. What is the correct form about cosmetics in a guest's bathroom? I went to stay somewhere recently where our bathroom was absolutely brimming with, not just miniature shampoos and cleansing creams but also brand new toothbrushes still in their packaging, bath oils, Alka-Seltzers — even a thermometer. Do you agree with me that this level of competitive catering for one's guests goes too far?
S.H., Woodborough, Wilts A. Yes. This sort of display of consumerism is unresMil A hostess should have a store cupboard to let her meet the simple cosmetic and medical needs of her guests. New toothbrushes always come in handy. But, having made it clear that anything extra your guests might need can be dispensed from your own bathroom, you need only display the traditional Floris products and/or Pine Essence in theirs.
If you have a problem write to Dear Mary, cio The Spectator, 22 Old Queen Street, London SW1H 9HP.
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