COMPETITION

No. 627: Fond farewell

A fashion which has given so much pleasure to at least half the popu- lation must not go unelegised. Competitors are accordingly in- vited to indite a verse lament on the passing of the mini. Limit, six- teen lines. Entries. marked 'Com- petition No. 627,' by 6 November.

No. 624: The winners

Charles Seaton reports: In a recent article in the SPECTATOR Stella FitzThomas Hagan deplored the serious decline in the standard of spoken English. Competitors were asked to provide samples of this new Received Standard English in the form either of a radio report of a Royal occasion or an extract from a House of Commons speech.

Incredible as it may appear after reading the winners, some entries disqualified themselves by being only intermittently intelligible. One or two others kept too closely to standard English to make much of a point. But for the most part, as J. M. Crooks humanely put it, it was a case of 'God help the proof- reader!'

Entries were exactly equally divi- ded between the two subjects. The Royals had the inbuilt advantage of the Duke on their side, but this was offset by the Parliamentarian ploy of complaining of affected or slovenly speech, which gained prizes for Rufus Stone and Roger Woddis (two guineas each).

Improbability was no handicap, which was just as well for most of the Royal entries, which bad Prince Charles, Princess Anne and the Corgis in some very unlikely situa- tions. Indeed, Richard Probyn wins four guineas for perhaps the unlike- liest of the lot. George van Schaick and Martin Fagg with politics and polo respectively win three guineas and Douglas Hawson's plea against repressive legislation wins two guineas.

Highly commended entries came from Peter Peterson and James Brock.

I am speaking chew from Transport Houswear t'day Hermajesty yas President aver newly. consachuted National Union of Membersa Bri- tain's Rawl Famly, will personly paform the ceremony ofa filiating NUMBRF tethe TUC. Wearinga noverall of pinclame with match- ing hesscarf, Hermajesty snow standing at the Pickets Gate wither Prinsawales in tide eye darmy Denhams honour leftann Princess- alexandrer honouright inna nattrac- tive frilly waitresses zapron in awe fwhite. Inner clear voicer Majesty yintones the yoatha vallegiance to Tray Junionism, swearing to caller stry kevery sick smunce. The Duka Vedinbra is Seccaterry of NUMBRF annis bleevta be the Yeminence Greaze behind this nude apart you're in British Rawlty. He will probbly be submitting paposals fore estructured civalist amorrow.

(Richard Probyn)

Aid be felling in may dutch if Ay dint drah thittention of the Harse to this grayarve mettah. Minny doctahs are nable to speak playahn English, with the result that much vellible tahm is lorst and therriz thadded dangah of wrong dognoses beeng made.

This can have the most sarious. consequenses. Ayve etcherly hard of a mayahn in horspital beeng written orff as a hopeless cayarse cause a doctah bleeved him to be suffring from a fettal dzeez. In point of fect, the mayahn had not bin discrahbing hissimtoms but asking wheyah he should unload a supplah of badpens.

The Guvment should devahze some skayahm of speechtrenning so that doctahs with poblic school exents could be understood bah thordnry mayahn in the street.

(Roger Woddis)

Is the Ministra ware that the Cmission Yuman Rights forceasar possbilty of asking for writtn arg- meats on the opration of the Commwealth Immgrant Zact ask- fects Kenyasians an Dugandasians. If the plelimnary findingzar con- firmed the Guvment may be bliged to mend the laurov entry. The rulingov the Cortov Yuman Rights would be bliggatry as the Guvment is a signotry to the Cnvention. Furthat rexamples, well known to many of we members, of !edged vilations are develping from the upheavls in Northern Island.

After the waynwhich the Gut• ment has pledged themselves to the upkeep of Laura Norder, to which ittaches the greaters importance ti', it cannot ford to flaunt intnationl laurin this way, and this is this.

(George van &bald)

It's a raygent arfnoon here at Smislorn* laysernjelman, as we join Hermasty anuther memmers of throylfamly to watch the Duken- brur demerstray hisportanprowse at polo . . . . now playas gun anther dukersgoem fultil twoards posen- gole . . . . muskore . . . . bunno! nuther playa sinterposed ankol- lided witherduke . . . . the dukes- down . . . . upagin . . . . there schayngin a few loud words .... of cudgement and polgy doubtless swinging mallets awun- nanuther in frenlyjes . . . . croud sluvvinit .... (later) larsechukkers- over . . . . Hermasty presenter trophy to the Duke .... pop goner shampers . . . . jolygooshow!

(Martin Fagg) • Smith's Lawn

The Guvment's paposals will put a nintolable burden on the pleece fours. How will they drora line between vilence an dysprits? It's a cyclogickle fact that citzens of Hi-yi Q are more lorabiding, less prone to challenge thority than thunder privleged. But putten side thimpentrable jungle of stistics, it is not more pleece we want. The slution is more menities, more skulls, more plain fills and more respeck for indivijools. There Is in our vase conburtions a pten- shaky to breed raishlists and a lack of unnerstanding which this *empty expejent will never radicate. (yap ya.r) (Douglas Hanlon) Missaspeeka, I wishter raise .1 Primer Fayshee caser breecha Pm' lege. The plitcal cospondent of a leadin' peerodacle recently had the sheer 'pertnance to write: 'From the Press Galry it soften difcult t'ashtain 'cossoff Memmers' von- shus prunsation whether they simlee earn speak the Queen Sin' glish or whether they're juss drunk —whether infack their sysmatic jencide of yowls an consants dri%es from too few elcueshon lessons or

bitter too many pynce. Poshbly itsa

both.' I varsh skew, Missaspeeka- if such spersions doan conshtute breecha privlege by their shar liblus 'nackrercy, woduzz? (Cries of 'Hyah hyah', 'Samba', 8017111- able', 'Siddownanshurrupyolefoor)

(Rufus Stone)