YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary
Q. Staying with English friends in the south of France (about whom I have written to you before) my hosts took me to a rather raucous fancy dress party. Being sartorially challenged, I opted for a very short bellydancing skirt and a minimalist top. My fortysomething hostess went as a Seventies go-go dancer so I did not feel underdressed. The party was made up of an eclectic mix of doctors, designers, artists, rock stars and other exotica, and after supper the music began in earnest. You cannot possibly imagine my frisson of excitement when I was smoothly and subtly led on to the dance floor by a very glamorous lesbian. You can, however, imagine my horror as I went through my saucy dance routine to look up to find my host — his own outfit a Paddington bear straw hat complete with Eton Rambler ribbon and the obligatory tomato-red trousers (oh yes, and those monogrammed espadrilles) — positively ‘leaking’ schoolboy excitement on the side of the dance floor while taking photographs of my dancing partner and me. My horror took on new meaning the following day when, before breakfast, I received not one but four telephone calls from friends in England imploring me to give full details of my evening’s ‘triumph with the ladies’. May I seek your advice as to how I may publicly and immediately dispel the rumour that has been circulating like a riptide that I may, indeed, have Sapphic leanings? My host, through his indiscriminate and juvenile gossiping, threatens to destroy my renown as an enigmatic and enthralling lover of men.
J.M. (Mrs), London SW11 A. It would be all too easy to retaliate. You could, for example, doctor some images from a gay glossy, digitally grafting on your host’s head and emailing the result to your mutual friends, but why bother? Your friend’s prank was a compliment of sorts. It could work to your advantage in these days where even noncelebrities need to remind their ‘public’ of their existence. Now tongues are already wagging internationally; you are the subject of renewed interest and speculation — and some slavering — and you can only look forward to an upsurge in your social cachet. The truth will eventually out but, in the meantime, enjoy.
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