Westminster Corridors
It is a lamentable thing that every Man is full of Complaints and constantly uttering Sentences against the Fickleness of Fortune when People generally bring upon themselves all the calamities they fall into. To hear people speak you would imagine that the present Ruffian, Administration elected itself last October and that the Electorate was in no way to blame.
Take Mr Secretary Benn (preferably as far away as possible). There has been an outcry at the Club because Mr Berm, or 'Dan Dare' as he prefers to be known, has put in hand the nationalisation of the aircraft industry. It is understandable that Mr Edward Heath should not have read the Ruffian Manifesto, but surely the millions of voters who turned to Glum Pasha Wilson to save the Nation did read it.
The said Manifesto quite clearly states that everything in the Land (with the exception of the Ruffian Party) would be nationalised in seven days. The eighth day being set aside for Glum Pasha to rest. It is no use the Tories shouting "liar" at Dan Dare, because his intentions have always been quite clear. At least that is what the Duchess of Falkender says, and she ought to know. On a recent visit to my good friends Sir Charles Freeport and Sir Tetton Hall, they showed much greater fortitude in adversity than do most Tories at the Club. Sir Charles, who was sporting some natty silken hose procured from the Americas, was quite phlegmatic. The Ruffians, he observed, were all Commies anyway and what more (or less) could you expect from 'Nikita' Heffer, 'Lenin' Foot and 'Mao Tse' Benn.
It is good to think that in the Black Country at any rate, things go on much as before. The pleasure of my sojourn there being only marred by the start of the new term at the Club where a great deal is being said but very little (apart from Dan Dare's nationalisation schemes) is actually being done. The height of excitement at present is the idle speculation that Glum Pasha is about to become Master of an Oxford College. The Duchess is mightily thrilled at the prospect of being a Mistress, though (understandably) Mrs Wilson's feelings are said to be "mixed." Now those of my Readers who follow these Speculations closely will recall that last year I revealed exclusively that Glum Pasha was to be Warden of All Souls.
The plan was on the point of fruition when Glum Pasha suddenly discovered that he had adult practising Arabian tendencies. His scheme for writing a sequel to The Bible (entitled Benn Here — My Life and Times as Ruffian Leader) in thirty six volumes was shelved and the predominantly Jewish Senior Common Room at All Souls protested when he announced that he wished to do research into Arabian Nights.
Only the other day, while enquiring after Mr Wilson's health, I was reminded of the story from the Tales of the Arabian Nights of the Prime Minister who had long languished under an ill Habit of Body. At length, says the Fable, a Physician cured him by the following Method. He took a Hollow Ball of Wood and filled it with several Drugs after which he closed it up so artificially that nothing appeared. He then ordered the Prime Minister to exercise with this rightly prepared Instrument until such time as
he should Sweat. This Eastern Allegory is finely contrived to show us how beneficial is Bodily Labour to Health and that the most effectual• Physick is exercise.
Mr Heath, of course, has long been devoted to exercise. In the Smoking Room at the Club last night he remarked how ill the Prime Minister appeared. "Glum ought to give up smoking," he told the Duchess, "and take regular exercise."
The Duchess assured the Tory leader that Mr Wilson was the same man he had always been. She nonetheless rushed out to borrow Mr Benn's Charles Atlas style muscle toner and tummy flattener. We all look forward to a fitter and slightly less Glum Pasha.
'Tom Puzzle
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