CjIVAS RE

12 YEAR OLD SCOTCH WHISKY

COMPETITION

IVA Si RE:: 12 YEAR 01 D

Your very own Rev.

Jaspistos

In Competition No. 1677 you were in- vited to supply an imaginary management memo conveying the good news of the appointment of an 'industrial chaplain'.

`Sufficiently "inside" to be known, and known to be interested in the whole business, and seen about the building; but at the same time sufficiently "outside" to provoke by his presence possibly unspoken "emperor's clothes" type questions. This can contribute a particular dimension to the general creative process . . . Just talk to him: introduce yourself; if you have time, explain what is involved and how you go about doing it — he will be very interested.' I quote from a real manage- ment memo, even stranger than your fictions. God help the man of God looking after the spiritual welfare of Mirror Group Newspapers. There were nice touches: I liked K. Roken's memo from Brimston Colliery Personnel Dept: 'George (as he hopes we will call him) is no stranger to life under- ground, having been under-Chaplain on the Bakerloo Line before moving out here to pastures green', and also Gaille Ellis's: `Adequate collection boxes will be instal- led throughout the building, and will be emptied, initially, at weekly intervals.' Tony Hafliger also pleased, though he went over the top with the padre's 'escha- tological debugging' (or was it 'scatological debagging'?) strategy.

The winners, printed below, get £20 each, and the bonus bottle of Chivas Regal 12-year-old de luxe blended whisky is John O'Byrne's.

Notice of Approval of Appointment of External Consultative Chaplain The Management Committee has approved the appointment of Ms Concepta Shepilov as In- dustrial Chaplain, pursuant to a recent decision of the Joint Management-Labour Consultative Council. Concepta will be joining us from the First Aid Centre, where she worked for 29 years. She will be responsible for Open Com- munications, Interactive Interfacing and Feed- back. Her position will also involve Counselling, Active Listening and Intracompany Liaising. If you feel you have a gripe, moan, grievance, a crow to pluck with someone, please complete the attached questionnaire (forward to I. C. do Personnel Dept.): (a) Nature and degree of complaint (b) How long have you felt this way?

(c) Why did you not communicate this to us before?

(d) How long do you intend to remain with the company? (John O'Byrne) Whilst several of our competitors have appointed a Chaplain, internal research shows that younger staff especially find personal con- tact hard to make. They prefer to interface with a visual display unit. So now we have installed VDUs in all staff-rooms. Access the Rev. Counter in the lunch-break or after work, and you will find the latest multi-purpose software. Simply select language and religion from the menu on offer, decide whether you want to operate in male or female mode, then key in your question or concern. The Rev. Counter will be more than happy to inform and advise, or simply to listen. And of course the interface will be in strictest confidence. Consult the Rev. Counter today — the one you can trust.

(David Heaton) From: Gen. Mgr. (Pers.) To: Monthly/Weekly Staff, all grades Subject: Appointment of Industrial Chaplain Staff will be pleased to hear that the Rev. Peter Broadbeam has been appointed Industrial Cha- plain. This is a non-establishment position and does not run counter to the Company's policy of controlled rationalisation.

Pete has a free-ranging remit and will be available on an ad hoc basis for non-directive counselling and general informal interaction, both in one-to-one and multilateral situations.

Staff of all religious orientations are free to talk to Pete, who describes himself as 'technical- ly C of E, because you have to be something'. He feels that clerical dress would 'get in the way', but will be easily recognisable as the only person in the building in a track suit.

Staff are strongly assured that Pete is their resource, and not a 'management snooper'. The Board is determined that anything staff may say to him will have no repercussions whatsoever.

(Noel Petty) The Board is pleased to announce that, with the approval of the Bishop, the Rev. Thomas Williams will be attached to the Group from 23rd September. Although Rev. Williams will be employed as a Fitter, Cat. 2, Head of Production Management is organising his duties to make him available to assist staff on Grades C and above in their managerial tasks. His special field is redundancy counselling and he is particu- larly skilled in re-employment intercessionary work. Contact him through Miss Grosvenor in my office. I am delighted to add that he has agreed to give a series of lunchtime talks in the staff dining-room, of which the titles, 'God and Your Mortgage' and 'Jesus: Porsche or Montego Man?' give a tempting foretaste. There will be a parallel series at dinnertime in the works can- teen under the general heading of 'God's Plan for You'.

Clive Beanmaster, Chief Executive (Fergus Porter)