YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Q. A few years ago now, upon her retirement, my aged mother took a holiday in Europe. The high point of the trip was for her, I think, the time she spent in the Black Forest. She was so overcome by the beauty of the place and the lovely crafts produced there that she purchased a present for me — a highly deco- rated cuckoo clock dominated by a carved stag's head at the top. She gave this to me as a present upon her return. It was a fine pre- sent indeed, and I was torn between placing it at the centre of my living-room or taking it into work. I decided upon the latter. I told my mother it was up in my office (on the 62nd floor). Later, I took it out of its box and placed it on the wall where all could admire it. Unfortunately a colleague of mine in the next room (who, I must say, is notoriously unpunctual and should have a similar item in his room to remedy the problem) did not like my clock, though because he is so polite he did not tell me. However, I discovered subse- quently that he had in fact written to you ask- ing for advice as to what to do:
Q. A colleague at work has fastened a cuckoo clock to the wall dividing his room from mine, and in consequence I (and my clients) must endure, hour after hour, its fatuous song waft- ing through the wall. I have little doubt that he would remove it if I confronted him directly, but I do not want to make such a paltry and
Dear Mary. . .
ungenerous protest (spring has, of course, just begun down here). What can I do? TB., Sydney, Australia A. Why not tamper with the clock when you are alone in the office one night? Sharpen the cuck- oo's beak with nail scissors and then extend its spring mechanism by several inches. It will only be a matter of time before someone has a minor accident as they duck to avoid the bird. The inevitable legal repercussions will soon ensure that your colleague removes the offending clock from his office wall. (2 October 1993) A little while ago I returned from holiday to find the clock was not working. More recently, I found that the clock had come off the wall and was lying on the floor of my room in a damaged condition. My colleague has always held the press in high esteem. I have often heard him say that readers of important publications do take and should
take what is written seriously, and that because something is said in the newspaper it must be true. I am concerned that my friend may have followed the advice in your column and may indeed have damaged the clock. I realise that this is only one of a number of possibilities, but I feel that I really should clear the air about this. Do you think I should raise this with my colleague and, if so, how do you think I should do it? I do not want to cause offence. On the other hand do you think I should simply send him an invoice? What can I do? I would not want The Spectator's legal department to restrain you in your advice, and accordingly under- take not to require you or the publishers of The Spectator to replace the clock.
B.C., Sydney, Australia A. I expect that the publication of this letter will be sufficient to provoke a confession or denial from your colleague and, if the for- mer, his own suggestions for recompense. As for myself, had I known the provenance of the clock I would not have suggested such an extreme course of action. Conse- quently, I have felt compelled to offer my resignation to the editor. However, he has declined to accept it, so I can only proffer my deepest apologies for the immature proposals I made to your colleague.
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