Wishful Thinking

SPECTATOR COMPETITION No. 373 Report by H. G. Button Wolfe is reported tç have said that he would rather have written Gray's Elegy than taken Quebec. Competitors were asked to devise three equally improbable preferences by distinguished characters of this century.

THE point of this competition, as most (but not all) competitors realised, was ,to take an .achieve- ment of some distinguished character of this century and contrast it with the achievement of somebody else.

Sir Winston Churchill was easily the most popular selection, and he appeared in almost a third of the entries. The unlikely ambitions attributed to him ranged from winning the world table-tennis championship and climbing Everest to becoming an expert at petit-point embroidery (Alberick, Vera Telfer and Mrs. Lydia Seward respectively):- Next in order came George Bernard Shaw, followed at a little distance by Colonel Nasser, Adolf Hitler, Field-Marshal Montgomery and President Eisenhower.

Most of these characters appear to have had a number of different ambitions, but the thoughts of President Eisenhower were concentrated almost exclusively on the American Open Golf Championship. This was the most popular theme in the competition, but only two competitors turned it round and suggested that Mr. Ben Hogan would like to have been President of the United States.

A curiously assorted collection of characters would like to have stroked the winning crew in the boat-race. They are said to include Dylan Thomas (Colin Prestige), Pierrepoint (Frances Collingwood), Sir Edmund Hillary (Guy Tyrrell) and the Archbishop of Canterbury (Guy Ken- dall). A surprisingly large number of people would apparently like to have written somebody else's books. , The range here was wide, and the only works mentioned in connection with more than one person were Mrs. Beeton's Cookery Book (Sir Edmund Hillary again, and Dr. Edith Summerskill-Ann Eastgate and Rhoda Tuck Pook), Look Back in Anger (Lord Alanbrooke and Sir Winston Churchill-Comber and H. A. C. Evans), and Forever Amber (Lord Hore-Belisha and Field-Marshal Montgomery-Sgobbone and G. J. Blundell). We all know Belisha beacons, but were traffic lights also introduced by Hare- Belisha?

Although competitors were free to choose any distinguished characters of this century, most of them selected people who are still alive. Perhaps the years before the war no longer seem to belong to this century. Among the few figures of that period who gained a mention were Queen Vic- toria, Kaiser Wilhelm, Louis Bldriot and Mrs. Pankhurst.

`Siarco' imagined one of the frequent winners in these competitions secretly longing to be left out of the prize list. This scores high marks for improbability, but low marks as an alternative achievement. I cannot believe that it is very difficult to avoid winning a prize for one week, if a competitor really tried to do so. Another sug- gestion that ranked high for improbability was the wish to be a man attributed (by I. B. Allan) to Miss Diana Dors and (by John Digby) to Miss Marilyn Monroe.

Few competitors managed to produce three items all worthy of a prize. I have therefore awarded a guinea and a half to Arcas and to G. H. Baxter for the best sets of three. It is a curious coincidence that they should both have imagined Mrs. Braddock in the role of a ballerina. Half a guinea each goes to Granville Garley, Guy Hadley, Leslie Johnson, J. A. Lindon, Mrs. V. R. Ormerod and Rhoda Tuck Pook for the entries printed below. The runners-up were Gloria Prince, D. R. Peddy and R. A. McKenzie.

PRIZES

(ARCAS)

SIR GEORGE ROBEY : 'I have always cherished a secret longing to be Archbishop of Canterbury.'

MRS. BRADDOCK : 'If I were not a Member of Parlia- ment, I should most like to be Margot Fonteyn.' MR. ANEURIN BEVAN: 'My deepest ambition from boyhood has been to be an Admiral. The Silent Ser- vice has always appealed to me.'

(o. H. BAXTER) SIR ALAN HERBERT: 'My comic ops have reached the tops Of wit and quip and shrewd satiric smacks; But I could claim a nobler fame If I'd devised the Entertainment Tax.'

MRS. BRADDOCK, MP: 'Being an MP is OK. But I'd much rather have created Spectre de la Rose.'

ELEPHANT Btu.: 'If only I could have had perform- ing fleas instead!'

(GRANVILLE GARLEY)

MISS EDITH SITWELL: 'My poems will last, of course, but I'd rather have been the Editor of Vogue.'

• (GUY HADLEY)

BEATRICE WEBB: 'We were proud to do our part in creating this brave new world, but it would have given me far more satisfaction to create Monsieur Dior's New Look. Please don't tell Sidney.'

(LESLIE JOHNSON) SIR LEONARD HUTTON

Being in the mood to unbutton Said he would rather have compiled such scores As Beethoven's or Spohr's.

(J. A. LINDON)

SIR ALLEN LANE: 'I've always had a quite inexplicable longing to gel to the Antarctic.'

(MRS. V. R. ORMEROD)

Adolf Hitler would rather have invented the Teddy Bear than been Dictator of Germany.

(RHODA TUCK POOK)

MR. BILLY BUTLIN 'I would rather be the Father of the House of Commons than the Daddy of a million happy campers:

COMMENDED

(GLORIA PRINCE)

SIR MORTIMER WHEELER: 'I would rather have in- vented the perambulator-so useful for mummies and things-than excavate my own pyramid!'

(D. It. PEDDY) CHRISTIAN DIOR : Designing the Maginot Line to de- signing the H-line.

(R. A, MCKENZIE)

HARRY PRICE': 'I always secretly hankered after a political career. I'd have been content with a position in the Shadow Cabinet.'