YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary..
Q. My wife and I have a number of Ameri- can friends of whom we are very fond. On the occasion of our wedding, and of the births of our children, those friends have been very generous and sent us many gifts. They tend to buy things in shops and then have the shops send the items direct; alas, American shopkeepers seem to know noth- ing about UK VAT on imported goods. If they would only mark the customs slip as a 'gift', no duty would be payable. Further- more, they always 'insure' the shipment for the minimum of $250, which is usually far more than the value of the gift, but is always taken by Customs and Excise as the value of the shipment. Thus, when the thing arrives on our doorstep, the delivery man demands £50 in VAT before he will hand over the package. Inevitably, we pay, only to discover some amusing trifle, which makes it a lot harder to write a sincere thank-you note. How do we tell our friends thank you very much but next time don't make us pay through the nose, without sounding as if we would like to be reim- bursed (which of course we would)? An added complication is that these Americans are all far richer than we are.
Name and address withheld A. As the name and address of the sender of such American parcels is usually dis- played on the outside, you can explain your predicament to the postman and ask him to simply mark the parcel 'Return to Sender'. You can then telephone or fax the Ameri- can 'donors' saying that your daily/child/a visiting house guest answered the door to the postman who had a parcel from them but presumed there must be some mistake as the postman demanded £50 before hand- ing over the parcel. Can they help you in solving this mystery? Later that day, you can ring back saying, 'I've solved the mys- tery. You musn't insure your parcels to England and you must mark them "gift". It seems to be some new rule,' you can add vaguely. No doubt the correctly labelled parcels will soon be winging their way back to you.
Q. My ex-girlfriend has become a 'hot' new novelist. Apparently, her first book, soon to be published by Picador, features a large amount of dysfunctional sex, and the dust- jacket refers to the protagonist's boyfriend as 'androgynous'. This character, I have reason to believe, is based on me. Should I sue? What is the etiquette here?
M.L., Sutton Scotney, Winchester A. I have taken the trouble to obtain a pre- publication copy of the book in question and have read it carefully. I can assure you that the offending character in no way resembles your good self but instead bears an eerie resemblance to the husband of an extremely close friend of mine. He is now making his own urgent enquiries into this sorry affair. Incidentally, Picador is one of the few remaining literary publishing hous- es in London and it could do serious harm to your social position were you to pick a quarrel with them.
Mary Killen
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