Trev's totty
Jeremy Clarke
"Vou've got no idea — no idea — what 1 it's like not being able to read or write,' said Trevor. Oh dear, I thought. Here we go. He's going to work himself up about his illiteracy, as he usually does, then he'll whack someone. Me, probably. You could see it coming from a mile off. He'd already had a savage row with his new girlfriend (this new one was 'for real', apparently) because she'd taken an Ecstasy pill and not told him. And now he was trying to provoke me by thrusting his face in mine and giving me his you posh people haven't got a clue' speech. I really should have known better than to have taken a whole case of gin round to Sharon's.
He had this mauve lump on the bridge of his nose. Adroitly changing the subject, I said, 'What happened to your bugle?' 'Head-butted,' he said. 'In McDonald's. Last night. For nothing. I put the bloke on the floor three times,' he said, warming to his theme. 'and he still got up and came back at me. You ask Drac. He was a tough guy, I'll give him that.' (Later on I did ask Dracula, and he said, yes, it was indeed three times.) But Trey had a bone to pick with me about my alleged fluency in reading and writing, and he wasn't going to be deflected so easily.
'You people who can read and write cannot conceive what's it's like for everyone else,' he said. He was jabbing me now, hard, with his finger. 'Well, why don't you learn to read and write. then?' I said. 'It can't be that difficult.' Hearing that, Trey didn't know whether to be angry or sad, and for a moment it hung in the balance. Then he chose sad and burst into tears. 'Because I can't!' he blubbed. 'I don't see the words right."Well, take it from me,' I said. 'You aren't missing much. All the reading I've ever done has left me feeling confused and, well, stupid. I've probably got even less understanding of the world than you.' 'But at least you've been able to try it!' he wailed. 'I haven't!'
It was a master class. Trey should have gone on the stage instead of becoming a hod-carrier. He instinctively knows that at any social gathering it is the big man with a solid reputation for violence crying like a baby in the corner who is going to arouse interest. That there is nothing in this world like an exhibition of labile emotion to keep the punters riveted. If someone taught him to write, he could knock out a standard textbook on the subject.
'You people who can read and write make me sick,' he said, returning to the offensive. 'You read a few books by a few egg-headed twats and you think you know everything. Everything I know I've had to learn the hard way, by experience. I'm a better man than you are, boy, and don't you forget it. I wouldn't read a book if you paid me.'
Trev's face was right in mine and now he was shouting. Fortunately, years of experience have taught Sharon to identify that particular stridency in Trev's voice that precedes his giving someone a clout. It was her kitchen, and it had just been redecorated. She came in from the garden, gently took Trev's hand in hers, and led him outside. He went like a lamb. I carried on dancing.
Then Trev's petite blonde new girlfriend came swaying in. She made a bee-line for me. She was all 'loved up' by the Ecstasy pill she hadn't told Trey about. 'Aren't you lovely!' she said, holding both my hands. She clasped me lovingly to her bosom and started swaying like blossom on a branch. Then she remembered something. She stood back and puffed out her chest for me. 'Very nice,' I said. What she was showing me, though, was that in large letters she'd embroidered the words `Trev's Totty' across the front of her glittery top. It was a handsome tribute, though a great pity that Trey himself was unable to read it. She wasn't showing me it to let me know she was spoken for, however. The suggestion was. I think, that her chest could have just as easily read 'Your Ad Here for Only Such and Such a Month'. We danced some more. 'It's so boring round at Trev's when he's at work,' she said. Will you take me to the beach one day? I hear you've got a nudist beach near you. I'd give anything to see you in the buff.'
I knew I shouldn't have taken an entire case of gin round to Sharon's. Vol' said Trev's Totty. 'I think you'd better put your clothes back on before Trey comes back in.'
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