26 JANUARY 2002, Page 45

The Guy Who Does the Music for Porn Films

As Christmas carol discs are cut in June And pantomimes are written in July, So those who forge seasons are out of tune With seasons in themselves, and thus am I.

When lipstick Lesbians begin to spoon And window-cleaners drop their work to pry, I jam the soundtrack, not swelling too soon, Keeping it up, fading while lovers die.

We sessionists have come to understand That punters don't appreciate Ravel Or harmonies getting too out of hand When someone has to dub in moans as well.

Who cares? I practise hot licks for my band, And nobody at Kiss FM can tell.

Tom Payne