No. 509: The winners
Trevor Grove reports: Competitors were invited to submit excerpts from the classified ad ('Transplants') pages of some medical journal of the near future—Exchange and Heart perhaps? Despite current touchiness on the subject of transplant operations competitors entered into the macabce spirit of the occasion in large numbers and with distinctly unhealthy gusto. The standard of irreverence, I am glad to report, was consistently high though this did on occasion lead to extravagance—kidney- swapping parties in NW1 and suchlike. The best entries were those which assumed the existence of a well-established market in spare parts, high-yield, low-cost operation etc, and treated it accordingly with entrepreneurial sangfroid. T. Griffiths, for instance, who wins three guineas :
TERMINAL. . . AND YOU WANT TO BE A DONOR? Why. not make your organs available to the South East Complex?
As a registered Terminal you can join the Royal Corpse Association. If you're a top-line risk with maximum number of organs in good condition, you'll get very favourable terms.
Supply is a hospital's trickiest problem. The South East Complex uses every technique to keep you happy and in good condition while dying—luxury conditions and unlimited credit! We would like you to help. Particularly needed: (1) Hearts (2) Spinal Columns (3) Ears, noses and throats. Virus terminals need not apply.
Or Douglas Hawson, who also wins three guineas: NEW SEASON'S STOCK. Spinner's finger (left hand). Played in 8 Tests (averages supplied). Well calloused. Front row ear (right), Lions (detached sA), thick and tough. Also pair lady's hockey international shins, slightly bruised, suit High School player. Sports Transplants Ltd.
P. M. Burkley showed the right attitude in setting up his Organs for Hire business and Peter Donaghue's Hippocrates House Ltd leads the mail order brigade—though perhaps he would consider P. C. Blackford (the genius behind the Grand Introductory Mystery Offal Parcel campaign) as a possible co-director. The final three guineas go to Edward Samson:
DISSOCIATED PARTS UNLIMITED hold the largest stock of used, one-owner spares outside South Africa, guaranteed functional, hospital tested: unulcerated stomachs, low mealage; near-new