COMPETITION

Telecrostic

Jaspistos

In Competition No. 1430 you were asked to invent a telegram from a well-known Person (alive or dead) to a contemporary, together with the reply, the initial letters of the words in each telegram spelling out the fall, or generally used shorter, name of the addressee.

, The practice of sending, and therefore the art of composing, telegrams is, alas,, dead. Has there ever been an anthology of notable authentic ones? Henry James was a celebrated master of the form. Refusing an invitation from Mrs Hugh Bell, he babbled delightfully: 'Impossible impossi- ble impossible if you knew what it costs me to say so you can count however at the regular rates ask Miss Robins to share your regret I mean mine.' To his host Edwin Abbey he announced: Will alight precipi- tately at 5.38 from the deliberate 1.50' (though surely James could never have moved more rapidly than a train). In the same class I put a historical telegram from nlY brother, whom I fruitlessly went to meet at a Wiltshire railway station: 'Infuri- ated inconvenienced inadvertently went to Wales.'

One of the pleasures of judging this competition was discovering surprising middle names of famous people. Which well-known writers harboured the names Annesley, Wymark, Clarence, Gladstone? Answers: Ronald Firbank, W. W. Jacobs, Malcolm Lowry, Eugene O'Neill. Most of you, however, avoided the thickets of full nomenclature and took the shorter road. The winners printed below earn £4 per item, and the bonus bottle of Comte de Robart Champagne (Rosé Brut), pre- sented by the Ebury Wine Company, 139 Ebury St, London SW1, goes to Watson Weeks.

GARDEN OVERGROWN. DESPERATE. AM DESIGNING ATTRACTIVE MATE.

IDIOT. AFTER NEXT BOOB ORDERING THE HATCHET. AM MIFFED.

PISSED-OFF. MING TESTS EFFING REPORTERS MIDDLE-AGED ARSEHOLES. YUCK.

(Watson Weeks)

BEATRICE ENGAGED RESEARCH NORTH ACTON RECIDIVIST DRAYMEN. SHALL HAVE AS WIFE.

SILLY IMMATURE DOLT. NOTHING ENDANGERS YOUR WEDLOCK EXCEPT BEATRICE'S BEDDABILITY.

(Morris Clarke)

SORRY ABOUT ROW. ALL HER FAULT. EAGER RECONCILIATION. GUESS UNDERSTAND STORM OVER NOTHING.

PERFECT ROMANCE IMPOSSIBLE NOW. CASUAL EXCUSES ALTER NOTHING. DRESS RETURNED. ELIMINATE WEDDING.

(Joan Vickers)

JUST OFF SCALING EASTERN PEAKS. HARD SNOW. THINK A LARGE ICE-PICK NEEDED. LEON EVERYTHING OK NOW. TRAINS RUN ON TIME, SPLENDID KNOWING YOU.

(Noel Petty)

MAKE ARRANGEMENTS RAPIDLY GET ALL RUBBISH EFFICIENTLY TRANSFERRED TO HOPPERS. APATHETIC TRADITIONAL COUNCILS HORRIFYING EXASPERATED RATEPAYERS.

REGRET IMPOSSIBLE COMPLICATIONS. HARDLY ANY RUBBISH. DOZENS BOLSHIE RATEPAYERS ANTAGONISTIC NEW SCHEME. ORGANISATION NON-EXISTENT.

(John Stanley)

MAKE AFRICANS REALISE GORBACHEVS AMBITION. RUSSIANS EVERYWHERE TRYING TO HAMSTRING ALLIES. TELL COMMONWEALTH HEADS ECONOMIC REALITIES.

GREETINGS. EVERY OBSTACLE FOR FRIENDS REMOVED EXCEPT YOU. HAVE OTHERWISE WORST EXPECTATIONS.

(John Sweetman)

PLEASE EXPLAIN TOTALLY EXCESSIVE REMUNERATIVE HAUL. ARTS LOBBY LIVID.

RIDICULOUS INSINUATION. CASH HELPS ARTS REVOLUTIONARY DEVELOPMENT. LIFESTYLE UNEXCEPTIONABLE. CRITICS ENVIOUS.

(Alice Renton)

DISARMAMENT A VAIN IDEA DAVID. SACRIFICING THE EXPLOSIVES ENDANGERS LIBERTY.

DISARMAMENT A VIABLE IDEA DAVID. OTHERWISE WAR EXTERMINATION NOTHINGNESS.

(J. Henigan)

RESIGNING UNLESS NEW CREED IN ENGLAND.

JOKE ENJOYED. NOW KEEP INTERESTING NON-CONTROVERSIAL SILENCE.

(Joyce Johnson)

WHY IN NAME SACRED TOUJOURS ONESELF NOT CROWNED HEAD UNITED ROYAUME. CAUTION HAVENT INEPUISABLY LASTING LONG-SUFFERING.

CROWN HAPPILY ASSIGNED ROYAL LINE EXCLUSIVELY. SYSTEM DEBARS EMIGRE GALLIC AMBITIOUS UPSTARTS LAMENTABLY LACKING ENGLISH.

(Peter Wingate)

CAN YOU NOT TAKE HOLY INITIATIVE. ALL PEOPLE ABOVE YOU NEED EXPIATION.

MY AFFAIR RELIGION. YOU WANT HOLINESS I TAKE ECSTASY. HEAVEN ONLY UNENDING SEXUAL EXPERIMENT.

(Katie Mallett)

WHAT IF LATER LITERATI INSINUATE AUTHORSHIP MISTAKEN SUSPECT HANKY-PANKY ALLEGE KNOWLEDGE EXCEPTIONAL SUGGEST PROVINCIAL ENTREPRENEUR APPROPRIATED RIVALS EXPERTISE.

FLAGRANT RUBBISH ARRANT NONSENSE. COURTIER INTENDING STEAL BRAINS AND CREDIT OH NO.

(0. Smith)