DIARY OF A NOTTING HILL NOBODY
MONDAY Everyone assuming I’ve been keeping up with Events during my horse holiday with Sesame but as I explained to Nigel I was in a very remote part of the Isle of Wight. Must say, it’s all a bit different from when I went away. Lots of American flags about the place and ‘Obama For President’ banners. What happened to the man whose family invented oven chips? Also, empty desks everywhere. Apparently, Jenny, Jilly and Janey have all gone to Google. Dave now thinking of offering us all promotions to keep us. I asked Gary whether we couldn’t just have a bit more money but he said I should keep my ‘uncosted subversive statements’ to myself if I wanted to keep my job at all. Then he told me to put my pony picnic photos away and get prepping for big meeting later on Project O. Am to come up with ten ways in which Dave is like Charismatic Mr Obama. Back to the grind, eh?
TUESDAY This place is hysterical. If you ask me we shouldn’t have left it this late to prepare. Four days simply isn’t enough time to decide whether Dave should wear a tie on a Saturday when meeting America’s possible first black President. Nigel has put 20 of us on it and we’re all doing our best, but we’re not miracle workers. As things are I wouldn’t want to call it. This is beyond The Tie Guidelines, beyond anything we’ve ever had to handle before. It’s HUGE. If we get it wrong it could be the end of everything we’ve worked for. And that’s before you even start to think about how to arrange the chairs in the room where they are meeting. Or what Dave is going to say, of course. The stress is getting to Gary. He was running round all afternoon screaming ‘Find me some change!’ In the end I gave him all the coins in my purse, but he just yelled at me to go and do something unpleasant with them. Oh dear.
WEDNESDAY Am promoted! Have been made Deputy Chief of Staff to the Assistant to the Director of Communications! This means I am working directly for the girl who works for the girl who works for Gary! Can’t wait to tell Daddy. He is going to be pleased as punch. Not sure what my new duties are exactly but Nigel says I still retain responsibility for Pot Plant and Ambience Management. Which means I have a key role in preparing Dave’s office for the Obama meeting. I’ve only got three days so I’m going to have to move quickly but I’m thinking strategically placed pictures of Martin Luther King, JFK and Jay-Z. Also must remember to get rid of that photo of Dubya that you-know-who put in there. Thankfully we already have a separate plan to keep the Chief Neocon himself off the airwaves for a day — Operation Desert Foxy!
THURSDAY Obamapreps in crisis. Our new ‘Conservatives for Change’ and ‘Cameron Can!’ posters aren’t back from the printers yet and we haven’t finalised the agenda. We’ve got social change, climate change, economic change and change abroad. But as Nigel says, we’re going to need some actual policy examples, which is tricky. Obviously we can’t tell Mr O about a scheme to give £2,000 bonuses to employers who take on apprentices, for heaven’s sake. That would just be embarrassing. We’ve put it off, but it’s no good. We’re going to have to get Mr Willetts in.
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