DIARY OF A NOTTING HILL NOBODY
Most exciting day ever: had to activate the Early Warning System! First time it’s been done!! I knew as soon as I saw the headlines on grammar schools that I would have to do it. I panicked at first, but remembered my training.
I broke the glass on the Emergency Point and took out the Guidance Pack. The cover note said, ‘You are reading this because a Negative Story has been in the news for five days. Stay calm and follow the procedures below. Above all: remain civil and compassionate.’
‘1. Call Jed. In the event of Jed being unavailable call Sam, Francis or George B. DO NOT call Oliver, or any other Georges.
2. Divert all incoming switchboard calls to voicemail, and ensure front doors locked.
3. Send out the Emergency Diversion Press Release on corporation tax. You will find this in the pdf file marked Black Special.
4. DO NOT leave office, even for cappo, until Jed gives the all clear. There are Fairtrade instant sachets and pro-biotic energy booster drinks in this pack. Use them.
5. DO NOT try to contact Dave directly. If it becomes necessary to inform him Operation Bagpipes has been put in motion, follow the instructions in the supplementary pack marked with a nuclear hazard symbol.’
Thankfully it didn’t come to that. Jed returned my call immediately and we fought fire on grammar schools all day. It was the most thrilling few hours of my life!
MONDAY OK, so it hasn’t worked. I may have forgotten Part Three of the Emergency Plan, but there was a lot to think about. What with not answering the phone, making instant coffee, and telling Mr Willetts to stop banging on the window because he’s not allowed in any more.
I just don’t understand why our MPs are being so horrid. Why can’t they see that the mantle of Blairism has passed to us now? Tory commentators even worse, claiming Dave is advised by a bunch of ‘juvenile delinquents’. This is no way to talk about Mr Bridges. He’s actually a lot older than he looks.
DD near boiling point. Claims he knew grammar schools attack was going to go wrong, and tried to warn Dave at shad cab. Dave says this is nonsense, DD spent meeting reading What Tank. Hague and Foxy also claiming they ‘spoke out’. In fact Hague is in the minutes as saying, ‘Hmmm, on the one hand I can’t make up my mind, but on the other hand it’s hard to say. . .’ at which point Gids snaps, ‘We’re going to have to hurry you,’ and Wills says, ‘It’s no good, I can’t decide. . .’ What a mess.
WEDNESDAY Horrible job filing Dave’s letters from activists into ‘Complaint’, ‘Resignation’ and ‘Suicide Watch’. It’s all talk. Everyone knows Dave is right, they just don’t know they know it yet.
THURSDAY We’ve tried everything. We’ve all but declared war on Iran, and we still can’t get a different headline. Jed says nothing’s going to shift it until we can get Dave on a beach in a pair of flat fronted Malibu-cut Vilebrequins. I’ve never known it this bad.