THE BIRTH OF THE BONK
The media: Paul Johnson
notes the unwelcome arrival of the new sub-tabloid
THERE are now not two but three kinds of British national newspaper: qualities, tabloids and bonks. I use this last word without apology partly because it is already on the list for inclusion in the Oxford University Dictionary but mainly because it is so convenient: a short, clear word which says exactly what it means while avoiding the clumsiness of copulation, the pseudo- gentility of intercourse, the archaism (be- loved of left-wing Calvinist MPs) of 'carnal knowledge' and the sheer offensiveness of the traditional four letters. However, if bonk is a desirable word, the concept of the bonk paper is repellent.
It is important to remember that Rupert Murdoch did not invent bonk journalism. Its origins lie in the old Daily Mirror strip, Jane, originally entitled 'The Diary of a Bright Young Thing' but with an unmistak- able accent on lubricity. In those days the Mirror was a serious popular and tried to play Jane's naughtiness down. During the famous Liberate-Cassandra libel action, the following exchange took place between Liberace's counsel, Gilbert Beyfus, and the Mirror's supremo, Hugh Cudlipp.
Beyfus: 'The whole appeal of the Jane cartoon is an appeal to sex?'
Cudlipp: 'Sex of a rather genteel type.' Beyfus (bridling): 'Genteel?'
Cudlipp: 'You cannot be frightfully sexy in a cartoon two inches deep.'
This was a disingenuous remark. As Cudlipp later conceded in his book Walk- ing on the Water, 'At moments of stress her left nipple, or the right cheek of her bottom . . . was occasionally visible to her audience.' These revelations were carefully calculated and aroused (in those days) quite extraordinary interest. There can be no doubt that Jane helped to sell the paper. She also lowered the threshold of toler- ance, and in due course made way for the daily pin-up.
In turn, it was only a matter of time before Murdoch replaced the Mirror by the Sun as our largest-selling daily by replacing the pin-up with soft porn. The next stage, in the form of outside competition, was the birth of the first bunk paper, the Sunday Sport, in which the exploitation of sex was unashamedly the prime appeal of the publication. The Sport, however, was not recognised as a 'proper' newspaper. It was only with the adoption this month by the Star of the Sport's editorial formula that the bonk has become part of the national press. So far there is only one bonk but the News of the World, People, Sunday Mirror, Sun and the Mirror itself are not all that far from the pit. Some cf them may soon fall into it. The new Star is said to be putting on sales in an impressive fashion. Campaign reports some reluctance from agencies and their clients to patronise the bonk, but this will quickly disappear if circulation con- tinues to rise.
The Star's new editor, Mike Gabbert, is still sufficiently image-conscious to deny reports of his grosser intentions. Last week's New Statesman carried a letter from him enclosing a statement in which execu- tives of the paper attending a policy conference certified Gabbert had not (1) insisted the paper must carry at least two sets of 'the biggest boobs possible' every day; (2) required the agony column to carry letters about the husband 'who tears his wife's knickers off five times before lunch'; (3) ordered the agony aunt to `make them up if necessary' and (4) de- manded a replacement when she refused.
It's the winning design for a new circle of hell.' One must accept this carefully worded denial but it is clear that the editorial conference was unusual, even by tabloid standards. The general philosophical approach of editor Gabbert is indicated by a remark attributed to him in the UK Press Gazette: 'I am not just a tits and bums man. I'm not some old keyhole-peeping wanker. I'm going to put the Star into investigations but not into ones which don't sell papers.' Well.
At no time in the last half-century has the British national newspaper industry been in such healthy financial shape. At no time have its contents been so depressing. At the quality end, there is a rising tide of illiteracy and ignorance. Recently, in the Independent, I read an article on opera by someone who evidently thought 'for- tuitous' meant 'fortunate'. Last week an important news story in the Daily Tele- graph described Gibraltar as an island. The emergence of the bonk at the bottom end completes a dismal picture of collapsing standards and impudent barbarism. Who and what is at fault?
The proprietors must carry the chief responsibility, but some collateral blame attaches to Margaret Thatcher who, at a time when British journalism has been in steep moral decline, has rivalled Lloyd George in dishing out honours to editors and tycoons. Whatever possessed her to give a peerage to Victor Matthews? Why did she ennoble David Stevens, the man who has now turned the Star into a bonk? Knighthoods to editors and peerages to proprietors should be conferred only after a lifetime of service (preferably on retire- ment), when their sense of responsibility to the industry and the public has been exhaustively demonstrated. I also blame, at the other end of the political spectrum, the National Union of Journalists which has completely forfeited its moral right to enforce elementary standards of decency by its childish sectarian politics and such antics as sending a telegram of support to the mass-murderer Gadaffi. The Press Council has likewise lost its claim to respect by its inconsistency and genuflec- tions to left-wing obsessions.
The real reason for the decline, how- ever, lies in the failure of our state educa- tion system. For half a century it has been in the hands of the educational experts: the ministry, the inspectorate, the NUT, the colleges of education and local authority officers. Between them they have pro- duced a multi-cultural, multi-ethnic galli- maufry, English without grammar or spell- ing, history without dates or facts, and sex instruction without morals. They have not yet completely killed the habit among children of reading worthwhile books but they have certainly had a go. The result of all this expertise is the birth of the bonk. One of many reasons I wish Kenneth Baker well in his huge reform Bill is that he may, in the process, save the honour of British journalism.
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