27 JANUARY 2007, Page 7

Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody

By Tamzin Lightwater MONDAY The scariest thing was waiting for us in the meeting room this morning. It was a huge projected figure on the wall with the head of Shilpa Shetty and the body of Jade Goody. Jed marched in, stood in front of it and said, 'Ideas?' Everyone mute. Except Wonky Tom who can't bear silences and stammered, 'Is this about broadcasting regulations?' But our beloved Director of Strategy said it was not — or words to that effect which I can't use here.

'This, my fellow change-makers, is today's Conservative party. Beautiful head — shame about the fat, horrible, reactionary bit underneath it.' Why didn't he just ask us to come up with new ways of marketing the shadow Cabinet? Why do we have to go through the stress of a 'Dynamic Imaging Presentation'? We've all been assigned a frontbencher to 'work on'. I'm not saying who mine is, but I'm going to recommend laser eye surgery, hair extensions and a gay affair.

TUESDAY Lot of policy all of a sudden. We are going to limit the supply of fast food and take Big Macs off the street once and for all. It's part of tackling social pollutants. Problem is — Dave's also hinting his support for legalising cannabis! Nigel spotted the catch immediately: 'If everyone starts smoking dope, aren't they going to want to eat burgers afterwards?' He's so good at long-term policy projection.

To underline our commitment to food issues, Dave is going on a diet! It's 'the only target that matters', according to my v funny briefing note. More seriously, he's reaching out to the Dieting Community. Fat is no longer a socialist issue! The type of diet hasn't been settled yet, but Jed has copies of Love Yourself Thin and The Nice and Slow Diet Revolution on his desk, so we should have an announcement any day now.

WEDNESDAY Bit of briefing bother. Everyone wants to know how abolishing NHS targets will work I was explaining to a join-no on the phone that it won't mean longer queues, because if people don't get treated quickly enough and die, they will obviously take their custom elsewhere. Nigel went mad, said he never wants to hear me say the word 'die' again. Then I was trying to flesh out our pledge to scrap traffic lights and white lines. Told one hack 'Yes, this will necessarily mean some pretty nasty accidents but — hey! — isn't that what life is all about, learning from our mistakes?' But Nigel took exception to this as well. Good job he didn't hear me telling them about the time my Uncle George drove the Defender through the front window of the post office because he was in a rush to catch the last collection! The moral of the story is that he never did it again. Not once they'd banned him anyway.

THURSDAY Dave in stinky mood. Worse than when he (nearly) gave up fags. This time he's all pale and uncompassionate and obsessing over my organic snack pack. At teatime he told me in a not very caring tone that if I didn't eat my muffin in the next five minutes he would have it donated to Oxfam. Snack foods now banned from the office until Dave has lost a stone. It's the slow diet, so it's going to take at least a year and no one will be able to see the difference — 'a bit like our policy making, Nigel says. A year is a long time in politics!

tamzin.lightwater@spectatoxco.uk