Snob stories

TABLE TALK PENIS BROGAN

In a dull and depressing week, two pieces of news have galvanised me. One is the undoing of a great historical crime of the nineteenth century. It was with great pleasure that I read that Mrs Douglas-Home, sister-in-law of the former Earl of Home, has decided to apply for her family title of Dacre. Many years ago, reading in the admirable gossip book of the 'Grand Whiggery,' G. W. E. Russell's Collec- tions and Recollections, I had my attention drawn to the wickedness of Speaker Brand. He was a great Speaker and, when he ceased to be Speaker, he was offered the traditional vis- countcy, which he accepted, becoming the first Viscount Hampden. As George Russell pointed out, this was, historically speaking, outrageous, since he was heir to the Barony of Dacre by 'writ of summons.' He would have become, by inheritance, the twenty-second Baron Dacre, but this title was absorbed in the new title of first Viscount Hampden, which George Russell thought (and I think with him) a 'great big shame.' So on the numerous occasions when I have found myself in the concert hall of Cambridge Guildhall, I have always given a very dirty look at the picture of Speaker Brand which adorns that hall. The thought that the title is going to be revived in the female line almost compensates for the abandonment of the great title of Earl of Home by the former Prime Minister.

The other news affecting the higher aristoc- racy which gives me no pleasure is the sentence of suspended imprisonment imposed on the Duchess of Medina-Sidonia. My sympathies are with her and the Spanish peasants of Palo- mares over their treatment by the United States government. After committing the great crime of inefficiency in dropping their atomic bombs, there followed the great crime of mendacity about what they had done.

The Duchess bears a title which is an epitome of Spanish history, the Medina recalling the Arab conquest and the Sidonia recalling, among other things, one of Dizzy's heroes. The Medina-Sidonia we remember best is, of course, the commander of the Invincible Armada whom we were brought up to regard as a naval equivalent of the Duke of Plaza-Toro. He was a reluctant admiral but, as Garrett Mattingley showed in his excellent book on the Armada, very far from a mere figurehead. Whether, if the great Marques of Santa Cruz had survived to command the Armada, the result would have been very different, I do not know. But Medina-Sidonia made the best of a bad job.

It is like the question as to whether if Napoleon had taken Davout with him to Bel- gium in 1815, instead of the highly incompetent

Ney, he would have won Waterloo_ But whereas nothing could have saved Napoleon

in 1815, not even a victory over Wellington, it is just possible that Santa Cruz, if he could have covered the landing of the Prince of Parma, might have altered English history.

I am a Proustian snob in these matters, and I like really ancient titles. My favourite Spanish example is the title of Duke of Osufia whose great ancestor was Geryon 'whose cattle Hercules stole.' This is what I call a pedi- gree!

Of course, there are very impressive pedigrees in other countries. In Scotland we all know that the Macleans had a boat of their own at the flood, which is a more plausible claim than that of the family of Levis, who had a picture

showing a boat moving to the ark with one of the passengers carrying a dispatch case marked 'Pedigree of the House of Levis.' (This house also claimed the right of addressing the Virgin Mary as ma cousine.) I have had two, or rather three, letters of correction which I should like to acknowledge.

The first shows the folly of making any con- cessions to modern science, 'falsely so-called.' I said that you could sail from Ailsa Craig straight to the Antarctic Continent. It has been pointed out to me (from America) that there are physical obstacles to this feat. What I should have said was, as I was taught as a child, that you can turn left at Ailsa Craig and sail due south to the South Pole with no nonsense about the Antarctic Continent.

I have also had a private and now a public letter about the remarks I made concerning

the late Sir James L,earmonth. Both my public

and my private critics report that he was much happier in Aberdeen than he sometimes sug-

gested. This I can well believe. There were various things in his career which I did not mention. For example, his unhappy experience in trying to set up as a surgeon in Glasgow before he went back to Minnesota. Since Dr Hamilton suggests that I am recounting memories of my childhood, I might suggest that children are not allowed in the dissecting rooms of any university I know of.

To end on a sad note, the Cunard Line has just announced its intention to sell three

of its North American liners, the 'Caronia,'

the 'Carinthia' and the 'Sylvania,' with no strings attached. That the decision is economi- cally right I can well believe. A few days ago I went to book a sailing to New York to arrive about the first week in January. I found that

I could keep my date in America, which is for

8 January, only if I sailed to New York not later than 15 December. After that, the great passenger ships are off cruising. When the 'Queen Elizabeth II' takes the high seas in 1969, to run in double harness with the 'France,' the

Cunard Line will, I suspect, have no North American liners except the new 'Queen.' Will it have any in 1975?

I have no dislike of flying; I have flown the Atlantic in every month of the year as well as sailing it in every month of the year. But some friends of mine still refuse to fly. One of them cannot drive, either. He has in compensation the control of a large though extremely inefficient railroad system, and had until recently a cabin cruiser in which he could have sailed down to New York every morning from his Connecticut suburb. What is he to do when the New Haven goes the way of the Cunard? Hire a chauffeur? But will there be any chauffeurs in 1975 or even in 1970? Pro- gress keeps agoing on, as some character in H. G. Wells nearly said.